Wonderwall

Please Listen :
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-nwdjQmc_N8



Not to sound cliche' but it all started on a hot summer night in the city. A bunch of us girls had just finished up at an eighth grade graduation party for a coworkers daughter. Which in the city meant a rented hall, including open bar. Tipsy, we decide the night was far from over, LET'S GO OUT! Usually at this point in time in our lives we would have headed to Old City and hit the same circuit of bars that we were "no cover charge" regulars. Oh Pierre and Carlo, the family and friends you gave me to this day still leave me breathless with their beauty. On this night our one friend Lauren said she wanted to travel to 2 street for the bar scene down there. I said,  "You mean 2'nd , not 2 St." No they call it 2 St, in Philly. Yet another night of teaching the Delco girl the terms and ways of the city. We made a pit stop at my friend Charisse's and made the quick change from graduation party attire to going out attire. At this point our closets were one big collaboration of each others clothes, so I reached in and grabbed my FAV dress out. Those days I was really rocking my "I have red hair and pale skin because my last name is Maloney" Irish look. The dress I chose was a silky tangerine Bebe dress, and black peep toe pumps. With one look in the mirror, aka an hour later, we were ready to go. In the car, since a lot of my besties at the time were Italian, they said how are you Irish and have never been to 2 St.? This was a rhetorical question, because apparently it was all Irish down there. We pull up to a packed street and Lauren yells out to someone. A minute later, he pops his head into the window, my soulmate. Right there. At 2'nd and Snyder. At 10:00 PM. It's funny the way that God places people who will play major roles in your life at the oddest times, when you least expect it. The two of them talked and said where we were meeting them, Doc's. We found parking and get out of the car, I'm sure we were still if not more buzzed , but after a short walk we were there. My first impression was that it seemed sort of "neighborhoody", which Hello I moved out of Delco to avoid this whole scene. Then we went in., and the music was phenom! For me, the music / DJ can totally make or break the night. This guy was great. Even though the bar itself was packed we found our way to the back and found room on the dance floor. And we were off! We loved to dance! In the midst of our hard core, breaking it down, screaming " I love this song" to every song there was. So she brings him up to us and says, " This is my brother John Paul," Seriously? I had known her at this point in time for like four years and I never knew you had a brother!? She finishes her sentence with, " and his girlfriend." Wow. Seriously? That sucks. He's really hot too, but I was recently single and on the whole there's more fish in the sea kick. On to the next one....  but I couldn't stop catching his eyes every now and then. There was something about him. We danced and drank and had a grand time... me and the girls! In the AM Charisse, Lauren, And I wake up and gone on with our rough morning rituals which simply included coffee, breakfast sandwiches, cigarettes, and morning t.v. We would sit in silence, reminiscing on last nights extravaganzas. I broke the silence with ," Can we please talk about your brother?" within the first month of hanging out solo I swear I fell in love with him for 3 reasons..... #1. He wanted to play Rummy (only on of my fav past times!)... #2. When talking movies he asked if I had ever seen Captain Ron!! Which meant he was a movie buff like myself. And #3. We went to A.C. and he danced with me ALL night. I love to dance. (p.s. where this picture at the top was taken... A.C. at 4 AM.) Oh this boy... he had me twisted. I was all 90's style like," I like the way you work it, no dignity, I got to bag it up." Let's fast forward. We had this whole five year plan, in which Cancer was not included. He had this whole line like I was a car he was leasing, and in 3 years if he loved it he would buy. At the time, I laughed, thinking how uninterested I was in a "forever" kind of relationship. How little did he know that I would have him wrapped around my finger in one date. How he would be the one crying when I didn't return his calls. Yet all it took was one kiss. The connection I felt with this man was one of a kind.  I remember calling him in the whirl wind of the E.R. I have no idea what I said to him or how he responded, but when I came out of surgery there he was. John Paul is on the more serious side to  begin with, but that night I saw a completely different level of seriousness. Trying to comfort him was a nice distraction to what was going on with myself. When your partner gets Cancer it's almost as if you get it as well. Both lives are in for a drastic change. With his type A personality I tried my hardest to make him comprehend this situation, and I told him to go home and research. He is one to get understanding through facts. As Oasis would say,"i don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now. Because there are many things that I would like to say to you but I don't know how, because maybe... your going to be the one that saves me, and all the roads we have to walk are winding. There are many things that I would like to say to you , but I don't know how."  Through out this experience there has been times I have had to remind him of how sick I was, mentally and physically. Our relationship was put on hold in such an awkward manner, its indescribable. How nice to know that a man still finds you sexually attractive, when you have never felt more undesirable in your life. He always found ME attractive. Don't ask me how, but he to this day still wants this. What a God sent. Some secretly thought he would leave me through this, to be honest it never even crossed my mind. Here we stand, together, on the other side of this. Being the man that he is I knew he would be there for me now and always, because after all..... he's my wonderwall, and nothings more important then getting our fairytale on.You can bet that, never got to sweat that.     http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S1BHo84wSEw

Welcome to the New Age

PLEASE PLAY WHILE READING:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KIW_Ca8OWTo


Dear Cancer,
                    I'm waking up, I feel it in my bones. Enough to make my system blow. Oh how you have turned my world inside out and upside down. Although I have beat you, your physical scars are permanent, and you have messed me up mentally for what I hope will not be forever. There are pro's and con's for everything, and it is a constant battle to stay positive.  Sometimes I get so angry, and it is hard for me to express this anger in the right direction. I feel I am mean and moody to the people that have been the closest to me during your stay. You have made me think of myself in two different aspects, before and after Cancer. The qualities of my being that I would like to get rid of and the many I am trying so hard to hold on to. Being back in the salon world has been therapeutic to say the least. I have always been a hard worker point blank, and I am not good at being the "stay at home sick girl". I need people in my life, the good, the bad, the funny, the mean, the crazies, and the down right out of their mind. People make my life more functional, tell me your problems and doubts because I'm sick of talking about mine. Asking me how I am feeling is the first thing people do, I know it's because they care but the spiel can get tired. Sometimes I feel I am trapped in some sort of weird purgatory, you have left my body yet I am still left with starting over at being who I am. It is an indescribable feeling. At work I watch people getting their color touched up, cut, and blown out in a variety of styles. Never have I ever been more jealous. Not to sound childish but I want I want I want so bad to have any of these services done to my head. Although I have reestablished my love for hair, it is bittersweet. When clients say " I love your hair" I am torn between saying thank you or telling them they can go to Franklin Mills Mall and buy the same look for $30. But in doing so I am then setting the stage to answer a plethora of questions as to why I have a wig on in the first place. Big girl status is where I am at with my body, just that moment where you are googling plastic surgery and liposuction. Yet everyone tells me I look great for what I have just been through. It's not that I have been a twig at any point in my life, but it would be nice to be skinny since I have no hair. A dear friend just sent me a quote that read, "She is a mess of gorgeous chaos, and you can see it in her eyes." Searching, I am searching and reaching to grab normalcy of any sort. It's still me inside, just not regulated. This blog is simply a vent session, there is no point. Just a little note to let Cancer know the effect it has had, and is still having on me. Just because I beat it doesn't mean this journey is over.
                                                                                                     Sincerely yours,
                                                                                            A Mess Of Gorgeous Chaos

Blue Suede Shoes

PLEASE PLAY AS YOU READ: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y00vd5HM_08

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ml7TmC__eDc

The wind in my hair, a treat bag of goodies from Wawa, including the blueberry triple big gulp Icee, and its almost midnight! Way past my usual bedtime, eating junk food my parents would never allow me to eat in one sitting! Yet there I am... munchin away, with my favorite comfortable pillow, my blanket, in the best "car bed set up" I feel I'll ever experience, on my way to THE BEACH. Not only me... but at least two of my other cousins, and we aren't a meek or mild family to say the least, quiet isn't in our blood. It would be a weekend full of stories that would make me the person who I am today, that's what family does. Things like "Thrasher's fries", Sunsations, the "Shore Store", Fun Land, the list is endless. Yet the freedom of that ride, that candy, would be as relaxing as the music playing. For some reason I always think anything Elvis is soothing, sentimental to me I guess, nostalgic for sure. My Granny looooovvvvveeedddd Elvis. *Side Note: The day Elvis died she was on the beach and everyone on the beach started yelling and crying, passing it along. Apparently that day she drank an entire bottle of Bacardi (her favorite before later switching to Coor's Light) and her two son's had to carry her off the beach because she was so distraught.. love that story! Anyway... Driving to that beach on a midsummer night with my Granny was a dream. Especially because she never got off work till Eleven PM every night, so I always felt like Smoky The Bandit leaving my house that late.They say that grandparents are supposed to spoil their grand kids but she took that to the next level.  She married her job, as a nurse she was Irreplaceable. If you need to switch a shift or extra help working late, she was your girl. My Gran worked hard, and she was fabulous at it. I used to never understand how she did it all because I never felt neglected of her time. She always treated us to everything. Once a year she would take all of my cousins and the aunts and uncles to Hershey Park. At least once a month she would take us.. all grand kids... to the movies:! *Side note on those movie trips... #1. When I was about 9 years old she took 8 of us to see " The Generals Daughter"! She had no idea what it was about. For anyone who has scene it you know that in the first ten minuets of the movie is the most gruesome rape scene ever, She was absolutely mortified! I'm laughing about it just writing it haha. #2. When she took us all to see "Titanic", we still joke with my one cousin to this day about it because it was the first time he saw a real boob. Moving on.. back to the beach... it took us about an hour and a half to get there, she would just talk, play her music and smoke her Marlboro reds. There was nothing like understanding land points when your younger, it only builds the excitement! I still remember knowing to make the right at the McDonalds, past what used to be Roses (where she would like to stop because they had really good "Texas Tommy Hot dogs" that she would have to get after shopping), then take the short cut at Jake's Crab Shack, then onto Longneck Rd., and once we passed Grotto's Pizza the excitement was uncontainable!The turn into Bay City only amped us up further. All of us would begin to get rowdy until she said,"Shhhhhhhhhhh you better be quiet or Mr. Hitchens will come out and get you!" ( Mr. Hitchens was a made up evil old man who ran the neighborhood, and would drag small children into the swamps if they misbehaved) Then there it was ... F-17. I used to think it was F-17 because it was always 17 degrees inside. Whenever I would bring a friend I'd say don't forget your winter coat and snow pants! Gran liked it to feel like Antarctica in there. True story.  "The Trailer" had such a beachy feel, simply relaxed. She loved lighthouses, pictures of her children and grandchildren. I mean she had photo albums for days. We would sit at the kitchen table and go through them, trying to memorize our history with her stories. Our heritage, the people we came from. P.S. the worst seat at the kitchen table was the one on top of the vent, it was freezing. Yet for some "homey" reason you could sit here with her and play Rummy for hours, refilling her ice was her only requirement. She had a magnet collection on her fridge. The magnets were from everywhere, the stories as to how she got them were endless.   Pulling into the rocky driveway, you knew it was time to put your shoes on because those rocks were like tiny swords on your feet. We would have to grab as many bags as we could, I personally was all about making it one trip, though it never was. I will never forget the smell as you walked in. A mixture of faint suntan lotion, with an essence of a an Oder free special candle she got from Colorado that was supposed to eliminate the smell of cigarettes. Honestly though ... the trailer wouldn't have smelled like Gran's if it didn't have a trace of both cigarettes and her perfume... White Diamonds by Elizabeth Taylor. After unpacking and getting settled in she would set up our bed's. If you thought the "car bed's" were great... the bed's in the living room were out of this world. What this women could do with an egg crate, a sheet, pillow, and comforter (which p.s. she has like thousands of)  made you feel like you were sleeping at the Hilton. We would all fist fight over which movie we wanted to watch, it was always between "The Big Green or The Sandlot"... possibly  "Furn Gully"... even though Granny would always win with either "Mortal Thoughts" or "One Flew Over the Coo Coo's Nest". Always age appropriate. Even though I was stuffed from all the junk in the car we would all go round and round with her about how we aren't hungry any more, she was always trying to feed us. In her room she would slip into her navy silk two piece pajama set, and put on her long fuzzy purple robe. When she would come out she would ask each of us at least ten more times if we wanted a sandwich. For the 85th time we said no. It wasn't until she sat down at the table, lit her cigarette, and took her first long swig of her Coor's Lite on Ice... that someone would want a sandwich. But she would gladly jump up to make it. She was the best, and today is her birthday. It's hard to miss someone, especially on a forever basis. Death can be so final. So all though this blog make have no point, it is simply a memory I wished to jot down. Its been almost 4 years since she passed away, and although I will never forget her memory, I miss you everyday. In case I didn't say it enough, " I love you Gran." HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Time Keeper

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Am6NS05pZH0

Ok so since I'm hoping this will eventually be my book I can't always be writing about Cancer, because Cancer was something I had it's not who I am. So I just heard this song, "Time keeper" by Grace Potter, and it reminded me of my own personal timekeeper, my friend Stephanie. Not to sound all Mr.T but I pity the fool who has yet to meet their long lost twin. I mean she truly is everything I am not, including punctuality, a trait I do not bear. Furthermore making her my "Time keeper". Not to mention the fact that, depending on our hairstyles and eye make-up, it's simply uncanny how much we resemble each other. People say it all the time, even at Starbucks they are giving me her Vanilla Latté and her my Carmel Macchiato. By now we just smile politely and switch once we are out of the barista's eyesight. I like to joke and tell her we were forced to be friends strictly by how we look alike, but it was fate. She is from a small town in Vermont, came to Philadelphia to go to hair school. Her being the shy small town girl she was, me being the loud mouth I was would normally deter our friendship, but little did I know that that first day at hair school I would meet my twin.  School started at 9 am, I'll never know but now that I think about it I bet she was there at 8:15, waiting with her clammy hands on her pencil. She is always anxiety ridden, me I like to blow with the wind gypsy style, without her I would be late for work more then usual. She keeps me in check, but back to the story of how we met. So I stammer in around 9:20 am, I had gotten on the subway going the wrong way, which made me miss the #4 bus. I guess I should have done a run through, but whatever at least I made it. So after I loudly settle in joking with the girl next to me, further interrupting the teacher, my fellow classmate says how come you didn't come with your sister? Sister? She nods to the girl sitting directly in front of me. Now I didn't get it quite yet because I could only see the back of her head but as the morning went on and the looks were passed I realized OMG we look just alike. It was that Lindsey Lohan moment in Parent Trap, where I was like "I don't know that girl! She is from snowy Vermont.!" yet everyone thought we were sisters. Being at school on the first day establishes a lot too, like who are you going to sit with at lunch? Who is going to be the funny one, which of course I was gunning for. Being associated with Ms. Vermont wasn't helping, it was just the way those big green eyes would dart and glance at me. Almost as though she was observing me. Now only in hair school do they give you like 85 cigarette breaks, so at 10:15 we were allowed outside for our first 15 minute break. Everyone was bustling outside and I figured this was my chance to feel out the group. As I stand there doing my comedic act of why I was late this morning, waving around my Newport cigarette like there is no tomorrow, I see my twin across the parking lot... staring. Out of the corner of my eye for that 15 minutes I watched as she looked me up and down licking her lips. It was just the way she was watching me, simply observing me, I didn't know what to make of it. So our 15 minutes were up and it was time to go back inside. As everyone got situated in their seats, she turns around and says to me," Hey, what are you doing for lunch?"  Now we went to school on South St. In Philadelphia, so the rest of the girls had been talking about eating at one of the restaurants near by... in a group. So I said," Nothing much, why?" I figured I would invite her out with the rest of us. "Do you want to come over my place? I live a block away," she said. That's when my heart began to race and I said in a shaky voice," Well what do you have there because the rest of us were going to go out around here." She says," I don't know....food and stuff." Weird.  I'm thinking this girl is a lesbian. Great! Not that I have anything against that but I just don't play for that team you know? Like I don't mind cheering for that team but I don't have a uniform you know? I could not believe that on my first day of school I have to worry about fending off this girl, who is attracted to me, I never saw this coming! So I had from 10:30 till noon to sweat it out about how although I was extremely flattered I would have to let her down easy. I gathered my thoughts in a panic about how we went to a practically all girls school, and how there was plenty of fish in the sea. By the time 11:50 rolled around my upper lip was sweating thinking about the possible confrontation that was about to occur. She turns around smiles, and winks. I wonder what she thinks is going to happen.... so we get dismissed for what I think will be the longest hour of my life. As soon as we get outside we start walking and I light a cigarette to accompany the cool autumn air. To be honest I have no idea what we rambled about on that one block walk, but I'm sure I did most of the talking. She turns me down this little ally way with only a teal door in the middle of an all brick wall. I decide to light yet another cigarette even though we only had about ten more steps till we reached our destination. My nerves were getting the best of me and I tried to calmly remember the "it's not you, it's me" speech I had rehearsed. As we came to a stop outside of that teal door I realized my fingers were burning because I smoked that whole cigarette in one drag! Then she says," Before we go inside I have to ask you something..." OMG is this her pick up line? Is she not going to let me in because I don't like clams? She goes on," I really don't want to offend you but just by looking at you and watching you I just thought you were the kind of person..." My ears were ringing and to this day I remember waiting with anticipation for her to drop the L bomb so I just screamed out " WHAT DO YOU WANT TO ASK ME?" she wiped her sweaty palms on her coat and says," Do you smoke pot?" and there I stood shocked, relieved as a huge smile crept upon my face and I screamed ever so loudly YES! And we danced in that ally way as if we had known each other for a lifetime. It was the day I met my long lost twin. That was almost 8 years ago. Since then we have grown up, had babies, and worked together off and on. I still struggle with my punctuality, and she is still there through thick and thin, she will forever be my timekeeper.

Spirit of Marilyn Calling Me.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oJGCW1m0WFk

Where do I begin...or end? Today, today I got my Final Chemo! The worst is over! There are so many things I can not wait to do.... that is when this medicine is out of my system. Number One: pull the ultimate Cinderella (minus the curfew), and put on some high heels! Not glass ones though, not the way I'm going to tear it up. I mean I'm trying to go "Please Don't Stop the Music Style", with Rihanna, in VIP. Believe me, not to be snotty but with my witty personality I can schanagle myself into some pretty swanky places. (Reminder to blog about Paris later, names will be changed so no worries) Let me see..... Number Two: Go to the gym. I mean P90X or Insanity style, I swear to you over the next couple months you will see my body transform like Optimus Prime. If I'm going to be in VIP with the best of them I have to look the part! Plus high heels hurt when your heavy. It looks like you are walking on coal verses gliding on a surfboard on the water, feels like that too. P.S. I'm allowed to say that because I've personally experienced the thick and thin of both. I could go on and on with what I could do, but instead I would like to show you. Cancer might have sucked but most of the time Reality does.  “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping." To this day, especially in times of "disaster," I remember my mother's words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world.”
― Fred Rogers

Struck by Lightning

So I haven't written in a while because I felt I had no new material, that is until I was home alone tonight and decided to watch some random indie film. It hasn't come out in theaters yet or maybe it just wasn't popular. Four out of five stars would be my rating, because although cliché with the "high school clicks", I felt as though it gave a very real, heart pounding message about the realities of life. This is a parody of a high school senior who gets struck by lightning, and  the story of his life the year preceding his death. The movie ends with a quote that is true to how I feel right now. "Life comes at you fast, it runs through your body and tries to escape and be expressed in any way ....kind of like lightning."

Hero-Heaven-Hix

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NjE9CoH9avs
If you were at my fabulous shin dig on Saturday you would know the meaning of this blog title. My wonderful 6 year old got the liberty of announcing the basket raffle tickets, into the microphone, co-hosting with my Uncle Pat. (Who by the way was just the greatest MC to ever walk the face of the earth). Let me just say that there aren't enough words to express my gratitude of the magnitude of support, from all walks of my life, that came out for a great get together! Thank You. So as my son reads the ticket numbers with his sweet speech impediment (which is hard to say if you have one - Zach Galifianakis) I look at him and can not help but be overwhelmed with my love for this boy, my son.In the usual line up of questions about my Cancer, one of the first is always "How is your son handling this?" Which I might add was one of the most heart wrenching moments of finding out I have Cancer," What will I tell my son?" How do you explain something so big to someone so little? Of course opinions were given, whether I wanted them or not. I even heard there was a children's book on how to tell your child, but I knew my own stubborn self and I was going to do it my way. After much thought, once I got home from the hospital, I sat him down on the couch next to me. I told him that Mommy was sick, with a bug. That bug is called Cancer. I wanted to throw the word "Cancer" out there in case he heard a classmate say, "Oh my Aunt died of Cancer." I informed him that  there are lots of different kinds of Cancer, and Mommy has a good one. I told him how strong I was and that,"Mommy is gonna kick this bugs butt!" I have to thank God that he is only 6, just the perfect age to ask basic questions without needing complex answers. He asked,"Can I get it, the bug?" I said no... the bug only likes me. As most 6 year old would he said,"Why?" Because Mommy is just so sweet. The bug can not jump from me to you. There is nothing more priceless then watching the wheels in a child's brain turn. Who wouldn't pay to be able to hear those thoughts? Throughout the process I have tried to keep the line of communication open. He is definitely a hairstylist son because I swear he got more upset about me losing my hair than I did! There is nothing better then a child's honesty. If it were anyone else who said half the stuff he did I would cry, but for his dead truth questions....laugh was all I could do. The steroids give me acne, he says things like," Mom why do you have those little rocks on your face, or What are those red marks?" After I tell him its from my medicine he says, as he cups my face with his little hands,"Aww Mommy it will probably go away." Thanks Dude. My hair now looks like an old mans comb over, its sparse on top yet full around the sides and back. Just the sweetest look I've ever rocked. He still looks me in the eyes when he talks to me, like he genuinely doesn't care about what I look like. I'm his Mom, and he will always be my Blue Power Ranger.