PLEASE LISTEN AS YOU READ: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b6UAYGxiRwU
I won't lie, I've been called vain once or twice in my life time. To defend myself I like to think I'm just infatuated with a beautiful presentation. Not to say I'm beautiful, I never deny that I am quite the "before and after". From a young age it's always been about hair. Oh my hair' it has been through the ringer, some tragedies, some triumphs. Hair school alone would have broke the spirit (and cuticle) of most people's hair, but not mine. Receiving that diploma was an accomplishment for not only me, but my mane as well! It was a rough ride but we had made it! Throughout all my recent events involved with finding out I have Cancer I knew it would all come down to this. It's what I've referred to as the "hair breakdown". Some ask," Aren't you worried about the radiation?", or "Does getting chemo scare you?", or "Do all those medications make you nervous?". I simply answer," Do you realize my hair will fall out?". There I am in the hospital after 24 hours of being told I have Cancer, my room crowded with doctors telling me detail for detail about the risks and tolls my organs and body will be taking from the treatments and in this whirlwind of information all I could say was," My HAIR! What are we talking here, all of it? some of it?". Vain yes, but as a women isn't there something sensual about your hair? I mean long or short, in some ways doesn't it represent your femininity? Two days ago a third of my hair came out in one sitting. Devastated, I quickly went to my dearest professional friends who had prepared the most beautiful wig. After being there for over an hour I could feel the breakdown coming hard. Fighting back tears, because I mean really who wants to lose it in a public place such as a salon, I went out back for some air. I lost it a little, mostly because I was surrounded by friends I felt most comfortable with, my hair soul mates. I say through the tears...."It's just....my Hair you know?" And almost in unison they replied YES...We DO! Which honestly made me want to cry worse because who couldn't relate more than Hairdressers? It was both comforting and sad, because I know a little piece of each of their hearts broke for me. Moving on before I get upset all over again...... I have talked about the hair on my head falling out, but did I mention the new growth of hair on my face? Oh yes, it is so pretty! For the first time in my life I have side burns and the mustache of a fifteen year old boy. Sweet look. I work in the beauty business, I'm not downing the mustache, it's just something I've never had to deal with in my life. Sometimes when the wind blows I think what is that whistling on my lip? Oh its just my mustache. I mean why even waste the makeup when I'd just be painting concealer over my "A.J. from Backstreet Boys" facial hair. So as I grow bald on top, and flourish with facial hair I am simply at a loss for the rhyme and reason of the order in which I lose my hair, or gain it for that matter. For this moment I will say," Yes I am Vain, and this song is about my Hair!"
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Monday, August 6, 2012
Press On... Le Nails
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bxV-OOIamyk
All my Mom watches is the Olympics, not that I wouldn't watch it at all, but I mean she is obsessed. I'm seriously considering getting her a U.S.A. warm up suit for Christmas. I've been in so much pain lately, that she comes home on her lunch break and puts it on. Once she returns to work I end up watching it for the next 5 hours until she comes home because I'm to exhausted to change it. Last week I watched so much women's beach volleyball, I'm putting on sunscreen and buying visor's. (p.s. I didn't know they still made Visor's) I've been M.I.A. for a little. Reality is finally setting in I guess. The feeling reminds me of your last year of school, you're all excited for the summer, to finally be done. Then when September rolls around you realize that your life is officially different now. This is a permanent difference. Or like when you've planned to go to the beach for the day and it pours. I guess the past week and a half I've earned that Debbie Downer name tag. Not this past Tuesday but the one before it I got my first Chemo treatment. Honestly it went way smoother than I thought. My nurse's name is Ashley, young pretty 30 something. Which was cool because I felt totally comfortable asking her anything and everything throughout the unknown of my first chemo. The worst part is always the unknown isn't it? I had played it out in my head that when I got there they would be using a machete to connect to my port, then they would be throwing battery acid on my open wound while laughing. Okay so maybe I amp the unknown up, I'm the worst with that. Honestly once they connected to my port (which was one pinch... Thanks Schmitty) it was simply sitting there for the next 6 hours getting pumped with multiple bags of poison. I could get my blood taken from the port too, which I didn't even feel! I was beginning to think that secretly the port was totally worth it! Thanks Lunch Lady Land. After I left there I felt a little woozy, some call it "chemo brain". Fatigued and overwhelmed I went home and laid down for a little. The next morning I felt like a million bucks! Why would people even complain about this? This was the best I had felt since the start of the whole thing! I felt energized, healthy even. Then it started... the pain. Cramping and gas pains is what it felt like...but not what it was, that's just chemo. I mean 24/7 pain, for the past week and a half that is all it's been. Once (okay maybe twice) I just started crying, not because I was upset about the Cancer, just because it hurt, and I was frustrated. It was an outlet for the pain, it was all I could do! My mother doesn't help either, she is just the most nurturing, born to be a mom, women. She just rubs my back and says what can I do?". I am 27, and have rarely ever complained about pain, I'm not one to run to Mommy to rub my back when I cry, so when she does this it only makes me cry harder. Thanks Mom. As my little brother says, "She is just the greatest women to ever walk the earth". It's a sin because everyone wants to know what they can do for me, and yet there is nothing to do but for me to endure this pain. As of yesterday it began to let up, today I feel really good, and tomorrow is my second chemo treatment. A.K.A. it will start all over. But like the song, I've got to press on.... Lee Nails. Give me scars, give me pain, then you'll say to me...... There goes a Fighter.
All my Mom watches is the Olympics, not that I wouldn't watch it at all, but I mean she is obsessed. I'm seriously considering getting her a U.S.A. warm up suit for Christmas. I've been in so much pain lately, that she comes home on her lunch break and puts it on. Once she returns to work I end up watching it for the next 5 hours until she comes home because I'm to exhausted to change it. Last week I watched so much women's beach volleyball, I'm putting on sunscreen and buying visor's. (p.s. I didn't know they still made Visor's) I've been M.I.A. for a little. Reality is finally setting in I guess. The feeling reminds me of your last year of school, you're all excited for the summer, to finally be done. Then when September rolls around you realize that your life is officially different now. This is a permanent difference. Or like when you've planned to go to the beach for the day and it pours. I guess the past week and a half I've earned that Debbie Downer name tag. Not this past Tuesday but the one before it I got my first Chemo treatment. Honestly it went way smoother than I thought. My nurse's name is Ashley, young pretty 30 something. Which was cool because I felt totally comfortable asking her anything and everything throughout the unknown of my first chemo. The worst part is always the unknown isn't it? I had played it out in my head that when I got there they would be using a machete to connect to my port, then they would be throwing battery acid on my open wound while laughing. Okay so maybe I amp the unknown up, I'm the worst with that. Honestly once they connected to my port (which was one pinch... Thanks Schmitty) it was simply sitting there for the next 6 hours getting pumped with multiple bags of poison. I could get my blood taken from the port too, which I didn't even feel! I was beginning to think that secretly the port was totally worth it! Thanks Lunch Lady Land. After I left there I felt a little woozy, some call it "chemo brain". Fatigued and overwhelmed I went home and laid down for a little. The next morning I felt like a million bucks! Why would people even complain about this? This was the best I had felt since the start of the whole thing! I felt energized, healthy even. Then it started... the pain. Cramping and gas pains is what it felt like...but not what it was, that's just chemo. I mean 24/7 pain, for the past week and a half that is all it's been. Once (okay maybe twice) I just started crying, not because I was upset about the Cancer, just because it hurt, and I was frustrated. It was an outlet for the pain, it was all I could do! My mother doesn't help either, she is just the most nurturing, born to be a mom, women. She just rubs my back and says what can I do?". I am 27, and have rarely ever complained about pain, I'm not one to run to Mommy to rub my back when I cry, so when she does this it only makes me cry harder. Thanks Mom. As my little brother says, "She is just the greatest women to ever walk the earth". It's a sin because everyone wants to know what they can do for me, and yet there is nothing to do but for me to endure this pain. As of yesterday it began to let up, today I feel really good, and tomorrow is my second chemo treatment. A.K.A. it will start all over. But like the song, I've got to press on.... Lee Nails. Give me scars, give me pain, then you'll say to me...... There goes a Fighter.
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