Friday, December 28, 2012
Struck by Lightning
So I haven't written in a while because I felt I had no new material, that is until I was home alone tonight and decided to watch some random indie film. It hasn't come out in theaters yet or maybe it just wasn't popular. Four out of five stars would be my rating, because although cliché with the "high school clicks", I felt as though it gave a very real, heart pounding message about the realities of life. This is a parody of a high school senior who gets struck by lightning, and the story of his life the year preceding his death. The movie ends with a quote that is true to how I feel right now. "Life comes at you fast, it runs through your body and tries to escape and be expressed in any way ....kind of like lightning."
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Hero-Heaven-Hix
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NjE9CoH9avs
If you were at my fabulous shin dig on Saturday you would know the meaning of this blog title. My wonderful 6 year old got the liberty of announcing the basket raffle tickets, into the microphone, co-hosting with my Uncle Pat. (Who by the way was just the greatest MC to ever walk the face of the earth). Let me just say that there aren't enough words to express my gratitude of the magnitude of support, from all walks of my life, that came out for a great get together! Thank You. So as my son reads the ticket numbers with his sweet speech impediment (which is hard to say if you have one - Zach Galifianakis) I look at him and can not help but be overwhelmed with my love for this boy, my son.In the usual line up of questions about my Cancer, one of the first is always "How is your son handling this?" Which I might add was one of the most heart wrenching moments of finding out I have Cancer," What will I tell my son?" How do you explain something so big to someone so little? Of course opinions were given, whether I wanted them or not. I even heard there was a children's book on how to tell your child, but I knew my own stubborn self and I was going to do it my way. After much thought, once I got home from the hospital, I sat him down on the couch next to me. I told him that Mommy was sick, with a bug. That bug is called Cancer. I wanted to throw the word "Cancer" out there in case he heard a classmate say, "Oh my Aunt died of Cancer." I informed him that there are lots of different kinds of Cancer, and Mommy has a good one. I told him how strong I was and that,"Mommy is gonna kick this bugs butt!" I have to thank God that he is only 6, just the perfect age to ask basic questions without needing complex answers. He asked,"Can I get it, the bug?" I said no... the bug only likes me. As most 6 year old would he said,"Why?" Because Mommy is just so sweet. The bug can not jump from me to you. There is nothing more priceless then watching the wheels in a child's brain turn. Who wouldn't pay to be able to hear those thoughts? Throughout the process I have tried to keep the line of communication open. He is definitely a hairstylist son because I swear he got more upset about me losing my hair than I did! There is nothing better then a child's honesty. If it were anyone else who said half the stuff he did I would cry, but for his dead truth questions....laugh was all I could do. The steroids give me acne, he says things like," Mom why do you have those little rocks on your face, or What are those red marks?" After I tell him its from my medicine he says, as he cups my face with his little hands,"Aww Mommy it will probably go away." Thanks Dude. My hair now looks like an old mans comb over, its sparse on top yet full around the sides and back. Just the sweetest look I've ever rocked. He still looks me in the eyes when he talks to me, like he genuinely doesn't care about what I look like. I'm his Mom, and he will always be my Blue Power Ranger.
If you were at my fabulous shin dig on Saturday you would know the meaning of this blog title. My wonderful 6 year old got the liberty of announcing the basket raffle tickets, into the microphone, co-hosting with my Uncle Pat. (Who by the way was just the greatest MC to ever walk the face of the earth). Let me just say that there aren't enough words to express my gratitude of the magnitude of support, from all walks of my life, that came out for a great get together! Thank You. So as my son reads the ticket numbers with his sweet speech impediment (which is hard to say if you have one - Zach Galifianakis) I look at him and can not help but be overwhelmed with my love for this boy, my son.In the usual line up of questions about my Cancer, one of the first is always "How is your son handling this?" Which I might add was one of the most heart wrenching moments of finding out I have Cancer," What will I tell my son?" How do you explain something so big to someone so little? Of course opinions were given, whether I wanted them or not. I even heard there was a children's book on how to tell your child, but I knew my own stubborn self and I was going to do it my way. After much thought, once I got home from the hospital, I sat him down on the couch next to me. I told him that Mommy was sick, with a bug. That bug is called Cancer. I wanted to throw the word "Cancer" out there in case he heard a classmate say, "Oh my Aunt died of Cancer." I informed him that there are lots of different kinds of Cancer, and Mommy has a good one. I told him how strong I was and that,"Mommy is gonna kick this bugs butt!" I have to thank God that he is only 6, just the perfect age to ask basic questions without needing complex answers. He asked,"Can I get it, the bug?" I said no... the bug only likes me. As most 6 year old would he said,"Why?" Because Mommy is just so sweet. The bug can not jump from me to you. There is nothing more priceless then watching the wheels in a child's brain turn. Who wouldn't pay to be able to hear those thoughts? Throughout the process I have tried to keep the line of communication open. He is definitely a hairstylist son because I swear he got more upset about me losing my hair than I did! There is nothing better then a child's honesty. If it were anyone else who said half the stuff he did I would cry, but for his dead truth questions....laugh was all I could do. The steroids give me acne, he says things like," Mom why do you have those little rocks on your face, or What are those red marks?" After I tell him its from my medicine he says, as he cups my face with his little hands,"Aww Mommy it will probably go away." Thanks Dude. My hair now looks like an old mans comb over, its sparse on top yet full around the sides and back. Just the sweetest look I've ever rocked. He still looks me in the eyes when he talks to me, like he genuinely doesn't care about what I look like. I'm his Mom, and he will always be my Blue Power Ranger.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Get in Line, Settle Down
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wit703Ya_Vo
This song is a full representation of that day in the hospital!....PART 3:After my Mom picked up my sister, she came back in about an hour, I sat there in a weird limbo. Little did I know this would be the ultimate limbo of the ultimate game changer. My nurse came in a couple times just to check on me, and inform me I would soon be on my way to the MRI. During that hour I sat there in a daze, and just know that daze stayed with me for the next 72 hours, truthfully probably the next month. Next stop MRI town, which I had never experienced before. I get up and they tell me to sit down in the wheel chair, being my Granny's granddaughter I scoffed saying I don't need that wheelchair, it's my arms I can't feel my legs work perfectly fine! Ma'am you must sit in the wheel chair to be transported anywhere in the hospital. Whatever! I found myself relating in a new way to any miserable old lady bossing people around, and I quickly let go of my stubbornness. I get wheeled in and they inform me it will be a little bit of a wait, but Wendy Williams Show was on and I revert to some sort of familiarity, "How you Doin?" Once it was my turn they give me directions and tell me to not move. It took about 25 minutes and then i was brought back out to the dreaded wheelchair. The nurses come out to tell me my transporter will be here shortly. It's funny how you run into people from your past, in times when you least expect it. Out comes Kat, who I had known from days long ago, my wild days. It was comforting, which was especially nice in in this extravaganza of unknown. By the time I returned to the E.R. room I was explaining for the billionth time to the billionth Dr. why I was there, what hurt, etc. Which can become extremely annoying when you have to repeat yourself so much! It was all different kinds of Dr.s too, not like I know all the medical fields to explain further, but I mean a lot. Each one's asking me to perform different actions with my "dead arms" and other such limbs. My Mother and I just sit there, awaiting some sort of answer and the next Dr to come in is the one who will be giving us those answers. My nurse says that this Dr. Arrigo is known among other things is known for his bedside manner and he will be more than happy to answer any and every question we have. I'm thinking, " I didn't know a pinched nerve was so complex." I can here a scuffle down the hall and in comes my two Aunts, Chrissy and Cindy. Who are quickly followed by my crazy Uncle Pat, and my even crazier cousin Timmy. (P.S. you are only allowed 2 visitors at a time) My uncle Pat starts telling dirty jokes, that's how we handle things on my Dad's side, with inappropriate laughter. He is interrupted by the first Dr. to give us some answers, Dr. Arrigo. He sits down and starts calmly talking about things like radiation, lymph nodes, and immediate surgery to remove a node. My Mom interrupts him like what are you trying to say, what does all this mean? For the first time since 10:30 AM we got an answer, one we weren't expecting. Dr. Arrigo says," Lymphoma, (we all sit there with mouths open waiting for a more detailed explanation)... as in Cancer." As I sit there in a blur he goes on about how they can't be sure until after surgery, which will take place in an hour. All this life changing news is interrupted by my Aunt Cindy screeching," It's not a pinched nerve?" Followed by my Aunt Chrissy yelling through gritting teeth," No Cindy! Sit down and shut up!" Aaaaaa my family is classic. Before I can blink my eyes in walks the surgeon, Dr. Moore, who looked like Bradley Cooper. Hey Bradley! Giving us the run down for the surgery, I don't think any of us heard it, the word Cancer was still lingering in every one's brain. before I knew it I was being shuffled to the O.R., and giving instructions about anesthetics, and how they were gonna slice and dice my neck to pull out one of the lumps that most likely is Cancerous. I mean before I had my son I had never broken sprained or had a stitch my whole life, and now I'm being wheeled into surgery!When I wake up, I remember crying, just crying and crying, I couldn't feel my arms at all. I remember the nurse telling me there was a zillion people in the waiting room, and she said they could come in 2 at a time, who did I want to see? Apparently my Mom and Aunt Chrissy came first, I have no recollection of this. Next was Hannah ( my friend since I was 5) and my little brother Michael. Now since I have been friends with Hannah I have seen her cry maybe 3 times my whole life, and Mike is a guy's guy who isn't a crier either. So in they come and as I am crying from the anesthetic, I realize so are both of them. Which made me cry harder because that is why i brought them in to keep me from losing it harder. (Mike will kill me for broadcasting his crying...Sorry lil bro) The feeling slowly comes back to my hands as they wheel me up to the Cancer wing. When I get there, overwhelmed that I was in the "Cancer Wing", I am again greeted from an unlikely member of my past.... Kristen! Now Kristen and I went to summer camp for years together as young girls, seeing her made me feel oddly comfortable in this crazy situation. I thank God everyday that she was there, we laughed about the summers of camp, and the shaving cream fights. (I'll explain that in another blog) Leave it to me and my luck to be in the only wing that had a broken air conditioner during the heat, like my plate wasn't full enough! After everything simmered down and I was told to get some rest, I found out about some late night visitors! My four besties from the city, now these girls are tough so I expected no crying. In walks Stephanie, Nicole, Charisse, and Suzie, all with blood shot eyes and blotchy faces. I could tell they were crying all night and I knew if I lost it, then so would they. Their visit was so nice, yet cut short because I guess from me holding in the tears Kristen came in and said my heart rate was up so high that they had to leave. Boooooo, but true. As they said their good bye's and drown me with much needed hugs and kisses, I was exhausted yet wired. I hadn't eaten for like 16 hours and I was still waiting for my other little brother to show up with my first meal since. Cliffie was coming from Washington DC, as he had just started his second internship with Ron Paul . Apparently he jumped on the mega bus to take the 6 hour journey, and was waiting for my other brother to pick him up at 30th St. Station. Mike was an hour late, which made Cliffie a tad pissy, especially since he had to sit in front of a Dunkin Donuts after recently starting his diet. After Mike finally picked him up they got on 676 to journey to the hospital, after which they accidentally got on the bridge to Jersey. They got there with my Wawa sandwich around 3 am! I ate it and went to sleep, being woken up in 4 hours to have blood taken.....Great! This would be my new life I guess, my new routine. Which is why the link I posted in the beginning of this blog is to the T how i felt, and still feel. I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I'm still as the song says," Trying to get a hold on this!"
This song is a full representation of that day in the hospital!....PART 3:After my Mom picked up my sister, she came back in about an hour, I sat there in a weird limbo. Little did I know this would be the ultimate limbo of the ultimate game changer. My nurse came in a couple times just to check on me, and inform me I would soon be on my way to the MRI. During that hour I sat there in a daze, and just know that daze stayed with me for the next 72 hours, truthfully probably the next month. Next stop MRI town, which I had never experienced before. I get up and they tell me to sit down in the wheel chair, being my Granny's granddaughter I scoffed saying I don't need that wheelchair, it's my arms I can't feel my legs work perfectly fine! Ma'am you must sit in the wheel chair to be transported anywhere in the hospital. Whatever! I found myself relating in a new way to any miserable old lady bossing people around, and I quickly let go of my stubbornness. I get wheeled in and they inform me it will be a little bit of a wait, but Wendy Williams Show was on and I revert to some sort of familiarity, "How you Doin?" Once it was my turn they give me directions and tell me to not move. It took about 25 minutes and then i was brought back out to the dreaded wheelchair. The nurses come out to tell me my transporter will be here shortly. It's funny how you run into people from your past, in times when you least expect it. Out comes Kat, who I had known from days long ago, my wild days. It was comforting, which was especially nice in in this extravaganza of unknown. By the time I returned to the E.R. room I was explaining for the billionth time to the billionth Dr. why I was there, what hurt, etc. Which can become extremely annoying when you have to repeat yourself so much! It was all different kinds of Dr.s too, not like I know all the medical fields to explain further, but I mean a lot. Each one's asking me to perform different actions with my "dead arms" and other such limbs. My Mother and I just sit there, awaiting some sort of answer and the next Dr to come in is the one who will be giving us those answers. My nurse says that this Dr. Arrigo is known among other things is known for his bedside manner and he will be more than happy to answer any and every question we have. I'm thinking, " I didn't know a pinched nerve was so complex." I can here a scuffle down the hall and in comes my two Aunts, Chrissy and Cindy. Who are quickly followed by my crazy Uncle Pat, and my even crazier cousin Timmy. (P.S. you are only allowed 2 visitors at a time) My uncle Pat starts telling dirty jokes, that's how we handle things on my Dad's side, with inappropriate laughter. He is interrupted by the first Dr. to give us some answers, Dr. Arrigo. He sits down and starts calmly talking about things like radiation, lymph nodes, and immediate surgery to remove a node. My Mom interrupts him like what are you trying to say, what does all this mean? For the first time since 10:30 AM we got an answer, one we weren't expecting. Dr. Arrigo says," Lymphoma, (we all sit there with mouths open waiting for a more detailed explanation)... as in Cancer." As I sit there in a blur he goes on about how they can't be sure until after surgery, which will take place in an hour. All this life changing news is interrupted by my Aunt Cindy screeching," It's not a pinched nerve?" Followed by my Aunt Chrissy yelling through gritting teeth," No Cindy! Sit down and shut up!" Aaaaaa my family is classic. Before I can blink my eyes in walks the surgeon, Dr. Moore, who looked like Bradley Cooper. Hey Bradley! Giving us the run down for the surgery, I don't think any of us heard it, the word Cancer was still lingering in every one's brain. before I knew it I was being shuffled to the O.R., and giving instructions about anesthetics, and how they were gonna slice and dice my neck to pull out one of the lumps that most likely is Cancerous. I mean before I had my son I had never broken sprained or had a stitch my whole life, and now I'm being wheeled into surgery!When I wake up, I remember crying, just crying and crying, I couldn't feel my arms at all. I remember the nurse telling me there was a zillion people in the waiting room, and she said they could come in 2 at a time, who did I want to see? Apparently my Mom and Aunt Chrissy came first, I have no recollection of this. Next was Hannah ( my friend since I was 5) and my little brother Michael. Now since I have been friends with Hannah I have seen her cry maybe 3 times my whole life, and Mike is a guy's guy who isn't a crier either. So in they come and as I am crying from the anesthetic, I realize so are both of them. Which made me cry harder because that is why i brought them in to keep me from losing it harder. (Mike will kill me for broadcasting his crying...Sorry lil bro) The feeling slowly comes back to my hands as they wheel me up to the Cancer wing. When I get there, overwhelmed that I was in the "Cancer Wing", I am again greeted from an unlikely member of my past.... Kristen! Now Kristen and I went to summer camp for years together as young girls, seeing her made me feel oddly comfortable in this crazy situation. I thank God everyday that she was there, we laughed about the summers of camp, and the shaving cream fights. (I'll explain that in another blog) Leave it to me and my luck to be in the only wing that had a broken air conditioner during the heat, like my plate wasn't full enough! After everything simmered down and I was told to get some rest, I found out about some late night visitors! My four besties from the city, now these girls are tough so I expected no crying. In walks Stephanie, Nicole, Charisse, and Suzie, all with blood shot eyes and blotchy faces. I could tell they were crying all night and I knew if I lost it, then so would they. Their visit was so nice, yet cut short because I guess from me holding in the tears Kristen came in and said my heart rate was up so high that they had to leave. Boooooo, but true. As they said their good bye's and drown me with much needed hugs and kisses, I was exhausted yet wired. I hadn't eaten for like 16 hours and I was still waiting for my other little brother to show up with my first meal since. Cliffie was coming from Washington DC, as he had just started his second internship with Ron Paul . Apparently he jumped on the mega bus to take the 6 hour journey, and was waiting for my other brother to pick him up at 30th St. Station. Mike was an hour late, which made Cliffie a tad pissy, especially since he had to sit in front of a Dunkin Donuts after recently starting his diet. After Mike finally picked him up they got on 676 to journey to the hospital, after which they accidentally got on the bridge to Jersey. They got there with my Wawa sandwich around 3 am! I ate it and went to sleep, being woken up in 4 hours to have blood taken.....Great! This would be my new life I guess, my new routine. Which is why the link I posted in the beginning of this blog is to the T how i felt, and still feel. I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I'm still as the song says," Trying to get a hold on this!"
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Self Diagnosis
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uUqdAj7u8zI
PART 2: I figure I will have a cig before I go into the E.R. because we all know that is the equivalent of waiting in line at the D.M.V. Also with me not having an open wound, a a physically visible wound in general I would be pushed back in the line of "emergencies." We walk into the emergency room coughing from dust kicked up by my Grandmom squealing out of the parking lot to get to a garage sale. "Sign here, and put time and date," says the man in charge at Registration. It was Wednesday May 30, 2012, only ten days after my birthday. I will never forget because I specifically remember not knowing the date, asking the man, and him pointing to the "Time square Megatron" size calender behind him. Oops.... Embarrassing. So we sit down in the waiting room, which to my surprise only had 1 other person in front of me. Before I could even enjoy the Readers Digest circa 1982 my name was called to get this process started. Behind Registration was the initial nurse/vital sign check in. She took my temperature, listened to my pulse, and did that thing that goes around your arm and they pump it to that borderline of "that hurts a little" and tears until they figure some number as the air lets out. She also typed into her computer all my basic info, and then the reason for my visit. I showed her how I could not physically lift my arms above my shoulders. Told her how I couldn't put my hair in a ponytail, put on my sacred eyeliner, and that it took 2 hands to brush my teeth. There was no pain, I just simply could not do it, my body would not allow it. My sister and I follow her to a room in the E.R., she gets us settled and says a nurse will be in shortly. At this point I text my Mom, boyfriend, and a couple friends to let them know what was going on. The nurse comes in, , and says she is going confirm all my vitals, and draw some blood. Immediately my upper lip starts to sweat and I start to get dizzy, like I knew it was coming but so soon? I just got here! Better to get it over with, as I give myself the old "calm it down" pep talk. It feels like ten years before she comes back in with the empty tubes and the rest of the fixin's to take my blood. My sister is trying to distract me as the nurse ties that rubbery band around my arm and starts tapping away to try to find a vein. Eww! This part alone makes me want to pass out. When I was about 10 I watched this Lifetime Movie about a drug addict who shot up all the time so she would always be tapping up her own arms, it scarred me for life. So four needle pricks later she can't find a vein, I swear I'm gonna pass out, and they call in another nurse to try. I guess five is my magic number because that's how many times it took. They took my blood and started giving me fluids with an IV. Now at this point I didn't think anything of it, but my friend Charisse said, "I knew it was something right then and there because they don't give you an IV and fluids if your not going to be there for a while." This is when the Dr. first comes in, asks me to do a series of simple arm exercises, asks basic questions, and says she will return shortly. Now I probably checked in around 10 AM, it's now noon and my Mom is telling me she has to pick up my sister and drop her off, and then she will come back to stay with me. I couldn't believe she wanted me to sit here by myself ! But then again you have to remember we all just thought I was there for a pinched nerve, not Cancer. TBC...
PART 2: I figure I will have a cig before I go into the E.R. because we all know that is the equivalent of waiting in line at the D.M.V. Also with me not having an open wound, a a physically visible wound in general I would be pushed back in the line of "emergencies." We walk into the emergency room coughing from dust kicked up by my Grandmom squealing out of the parking lot to get to a garage sale. "Sign here, and put time and date," says the man in charge at Registration. It was Wednesday May 30, 2012, only ten days after my birthday. I will never forget because I specifically remember not knowing the date, asking the man, and him pointing to the "Time square Megatron" size calender behind him. Oops.... Embarrassing. So we sit down in the waiting room, which to my surprise only had 1 other person in front of me. Before I could even enjoy the Readers Digest circa 1982 my name was called to get this process started. Behind Registration was the initial nurse/vital sign check in. She took my temperature, listened to my pulse, and did that thing that goes around your arm and they pump it to that borderline of "that hurts a little" and tears until they figure some number as the air lets out. She also typed into her computer all my basic info, and then the reason for my visit. I showed her how I could not physically lift my arms above my shoulders. Told her how I couldn't put my hair in a ponytail, put on my sacred eyeliner, and that it took 2 hands to brush my teeth. There was no pain, I just simply could not do it, my body would not allow it. My sister and I follow her to a room in the E.R., she gets us settled and says a nurse will be in shortly. At this point I text my Mom, boyfriend, and a couple friends to let them know what was going on. The nurse comes in, , and says she is going confirm all my vitals, and draw some blood. Immediately my upper lip starts to sweat and I start to get dizzy, like I knew it was coming but so soon? I just got here! Better to get it over with, as I give myself the old "calm it down" pep talk. It feels like ten years before she comes back in with the empty tubes and the rest of the fixin's to take my blood. My sister is trying to distract me as the nurse ties that rubbery band around my arm and starts tapping away to try to find a vein. Eww! This part alone makes me want to pass out. When I was about 10 I watched this Lifetime Movie about a drug addict who shot up all the time so she would always be tapping up her own arms, it scarred me for life. So four needle pricks later she can't find a vein, I swear I'm gonna pass out, and they call in another nurse to try. I guess five is my magic number because that's how many times it took. They took my blood and started giving me fluids with an IV. Now at this point I didn't think anything of it, but my friend Charisse said, "I knew it was something right then and there because they don't give you an IV and fluids if your not going to be there for a while." This is when the Dr. first comes in, asks me to do a series of simple arm exercises, asks basic questions, and says she will return shortly. Now I probably checked in around 10 AM, it's now noon and my Mom is telling me she has to pick up my sister and drop her off, and then she will come back to stay with me. I couldn't believe she wanted me to sit here by myself ! But then again you have to remember we all just thought I was there for a pinched nerve, not Cancer. TBC...
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Saturday Mornings with Mr. Hannigan
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-0bOH8ABpco
Let's get back to the beginning where it all started.This will be PART #1 in my whole'"How I found out I have Cancer" spiel. I had been complaining of severe shoulder pain for about 2 years, self diagnosing that it was a pinched nerve, occupational hazards if you must. Labor day weekend, Monday night to be exact, my boyfriend and I went out in North Wildwood with his little cousin Dana. Lets get something straight, If I am going out for the night I am wearing heels! Not doubting my Delco friends but once I met my City friends it was a whole "'Miley Cyrus: 'Cause all I see are stiletto's, I guess I never got the memo" kind of thing. To be real, the shoes get better after a couple beverages, you simply begin to glide in your own little smooth buzz, they become apart of you, except if you are my friend Gina then you are taking them off ..rain or shine....in a dirty city ally that she thinks is the yellow brick road. That night J.P. knew the next step was the Emergency Room, I was a mess tripping in flip flops. I hate and love my man for that being the biggest of all the signs of my Cancer, the fact that A. I didn't wear heels at all and B. Was still stumbling home from what I thought was a closing the bar. Which in fact it was more like 11, waaaayyyy early for me, and I only had 2 drinks over a like 3 hour period. So we get to his shore house and I was just so hot! Like the air was on and I woke up drenched in sweat! Sign of Cancer : NIGHT SWEATS. So the next day we left early in the morning I slept the whole car ride. Which was highly unlikely of me. When I was young my Dad would hate that... that being NAPS! His theory was that people don't sleep during all hours of the morning, unless that were out doing bad things the night before. Who did you sneak out with last night? Ass, Gas, or Grass ... Nobody rides for free. I was raised on him waking me up for "Family Cleaning Day" aka 6 hours of Hell every Saturday morning, all Mr. Hannigan style like,"This place better shine like the top of the Chrysler Building!" You know that since he was 9 years old, when my Granny would let each of her 4 kids pick 1 special thing from the supermarket he picked not ice cream, or cake, but as a 9 year old, 9, every week, he picked Lemon Pledge. OCD. Seriously. Moving on, Your first room to clean was obviously your own bedroom that was an automatic, then you got to pick a room ( P.S. I always picked the bathroom dirtiest, but smallest, that's another reason it's great to be the oldest of 4 kids, they are oblivious to the obvious.) Then we would get the great pleasure of a grand finale group project to put the Rainbow Jimmy's on the cupcake of family Labor Day i.e. the basement, garage, etc. Any way there is a reason I got so side tracked in stories because I am coming full circle I promise, stay with me! Since I was cool like that I usually went out Friday nights, Lol make that every night of my late teenage years. Universally I think Friday nights always have a little something special lingering in the air. I recently read a quote that said," I stay up late every night, and realize every morning that it was a bad idea." That is me in a nut shell. So there I was, my Dad mentally tasering to face the day on the worst cleaning jump start ever. Getting back to the fact that that Tuesday morning on the way home from the shore I slept all the way and that was out of my character, because I don't do naps. See full Circle. I got home went to my meat locker of a bedroom and feel in and out of deep sleeps, sweating, watching the oldie but goodie "Auntie Mame"the movie on repeat. Being a pack a day Newport smoker I specifically remember only smoking 1 cig all day! which was odd. The next morning I walked Christopher to school. It was humid but I hadn't felt my arms in months, another "huge Cancer sign" that had become part of my daily life. I didn't know if it was the humidity, the 20 minute walk, or what but I felt so lethargic. When I got back to my house my sister Caroline and brother Mike were both sleeping in the air conditioned living room. Stuck to the leather couches, with dewy necks and upper lips because the air conditioner must have died through out the night. I laugh because I'm the oldest and that is secretly what I think is the karma for all the ,"your older you should know better"'s. I call my Gmom to see if she can drive me to the emergency room in her 8 passenger Caravan, I just knew something was wrong and they were going to have to do a blood test, so I wake up my sister to see if she could accompany me. See my Gmom had been hearing about this shoulder pain for years now and after she confirmed to drive me she finished with, "Fine, I'll just drop you off." Hence why my sister came with me, for fear of the blood test I needed someone there when I passed out. So my Gmom pulls up and is slightly frustrated because her 8 passenger minivan only had room in the 2 front seats due to the wide collection of "shabby to chic, that never become chic" yard sale and trash picking collectables. Believe me she has gotten better over the years, we threatened to call A&E's Hoarders. She gave me the heaviest sigh when I added to the project of ventures with Heather Maloney and asked if we could stop at Dunkin Donuts for a coffee. She gave the sigh as she pulled in though. Coffee in hand, well cup holder because I couldn't feel my hands, we were off to the hospital. And little did I know what I was in for... It's a Hard Knock Life. (To Be Con't....)
Let's get back to the beginning where it all started.This will be PART #1 in my whole'"How I found out I have Cancer" spiel. I had been complaining of severe shoulder pain for about 2 years, self diagnosing that it was a pinched nerve, occupational hazards if you must. Labor day weekend, Monday night to be exact, my boyfriend and I went out in North Wildwood with his little cousin Dana. Lets get something straight, If I am going out for the night I am wearing heels! Not doubting my Delco friends but once I met my City friends it was a whole "'Miley Cyrus: 'Cause all I see are stiletto's, I guess I never got the memo" kind of thing. To be real, the shoes get better after a couple beverages, you simply begin to glide in your own little smooth buzz, they become apart of you, except if you are my friend Gina then you are taking them off ..rain or shine....in a dirty city ally that she thinks is the yellow brick road. That night J.P. knew the next step was the Emergency Room, I was a mess tripping in flip flops. I hate and love my man for that being the biggest of all the signs of my Cancer, the fact that A. I didn't wear heels at all and B. Was still stumbling home from what I thought was a closing the bar. Which in fact it was more like 11, waaaayyyy early for me, and I only had 2 drinks over a like 3 hour period. So we get to his shore house and I was just so hot! Like the air was on and I woke up drenched in sweat! Sign of Cancer : NIGHT SWEATS. So the next day we left early in the morning I slept the whole car ride. Which was highly unlikely of me. When I was young my Dad would hate that... that being NAPS! His theory was that people don't sleep during all hours of the morning, unless that were out doing bad things the night before. Who did you sneak out with last night? Ass, Gas, or Grass ... Nobody rides for free. I was raised on him waking me up for "Family Cleaning Day" aka 6 hours of Hell every Saturday morning, all Mr. Hannigan style like,"This place better shine like the top of the Chrysler Building!" You know that since he was 9 years old, when my Granny would let each of her 4 kids pick 1 special thing from the supermarket he picked not ice cream, or cake, but as a 9 year old, 9, every week, he picked Lemon Pledge. OCD. Seriously. Moving on, Your first room to clean was obviously your own bedroom that was an automatic, then you got to pick a room ( P.S. I always picked the bathroom dirtiest, but smallest, that's another reason it's great to be the oldest of 4 kids, they are oblivious to the obvious.) Then we would get the great pleasure of a grand finale group project to put the Rainbow Jimmy's on the cupcake of family Labor Day i.e. the basement, garage, etc. Any way there is a reason I got so side tracked in stories because I am coming full circle I promise, stay with me! Since I was cool like that I usually went out Friday nights, Lol make that every night of my late teenage years. Universally I think Friday nights always have a little something special lingering in the air. I recently read a quote that said," I stay up late every night, and realize every morning that it was a bad idea." That is me in a nut shell. So there I was, my Dad mentally tasering to face the day on the worst cleaning jump start ever. Getting back to the fact that that Tuesday morning on the way home from the shore I slept all the way and that was out of my character, because I don't do naps. See full Circle. I got home went to my meat locker of a bedroom and feel in and out of deep sleeps, sweating, watching the oldie but goodie "Auntie Mame"the movie on repeat. Being a pack a day Newport smoker I specifically remember only smoking 1 cig all day! which was odd. The next morning I walked Christopher to school. It was humid but I hadn't felt my arms in months, another "huge Cancer sign" that had become part of my daily life. I didn't know if it was the humidity, the 20 minute walk, or what but I felt so lethargic. When I got back to my house my sister Caroline and brother Mike were both sleeping in the air conditioned living room. Stuck to the leather couches, with dewy necks and upper lips because the air conditioner must have died through out the night. I laugh because I'm the oldest and that is secretly what I think is the karma for all the ,"your older you should know better"'s. I call my Gmom to see if she can drive me to the emergency room in her 8 passenger Caravan, I just knew something was wrong and they were going to have to do a blood test, so I wake up my sister to see if she could accompany me. See my Gmom had been hearing about this shoulder pain for years now and after she confirmed to drive me she finished with, "Fine, I'll just drop you off." Hence why my sister came with me, for fear of the blood test I needed someone there when I passed out. So my Gmom pulls up and is slightly frustrated because her 8 passenger minivan only had room in the 2 front seats due to the wide collection of "shabby to chic, that never become chic" yard sale and trash picking collectables. Believe me she has gotten better over the years, we threatened to call A&E's Hoarders. She gave me the heaviest sigh when I added to the project of ventures with Heather Maloney and asked if we could stop at Dunkin Donuts for a coffee. She gave the sigh as she pulled in though. Coffee in hand, well cup holder because I couldn't feel my hands, we were off to the hospital. And little did I know what I was in for... It's a Hard Knock Life. (To Be Con't....)
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow
PLEASE LISTEN AS YOU READ: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b6UAYGxiRwU
I won't lie, I've been called vain once or twice in my life time. To defend myself I like to think I'm just infatuated with a beautiful presentation. Not to say I'm beautiful, I never deny that I am quite the "before and after". From a young age it's always been about hair. Oh my hair' it has been through the ringer, some tragedies, some triumphs. Hair school alone would have broke the spirit (and cuticle) of most people's hair, but not mine. Receiving that diploma was an accomplishment for not only me, but my mane as well! It was a rough ride but we had made it! Throughout all my recent events involved with finding out I have Cancer I knew it would all come down to this. It's what I've referred to as the "hair breakdown". Some ask," Aren't you worried about the radiation?", or "Does getting chemo scare you?", or "Do all those medications make you nervous?". I simply answer," Do you realize my hair will fall out?". There I am in the hospital after 24 hours of being told I have Cancer, my room crowded with doctors telling me detail for detail about the risks and tolls my organs and body will be taking from the treatments and in this whirlwind of information all I could say was," My HAIR! What are we talking here, all of it? some of it?". Vain yes, but as a women isn't there something sensual about your hair? I mean long or short, in some ways doesn't it represent your femininity? Two days ago a third of my hair came out in one sitting. Devastated, I quickly went to my dearest professional friends who had prepared the most beautiful wig. After being there for over an hour I could feel the breakdown coming hard. Fighting back tears, because I mean really who wants to lose it in a public place such as a salon, I went out back for some air. I lost it a little, mostly because I was surrounded by friends I felt most comfortable with, my hair soul mates. I say through the tears...."It's just....my Hair you know?" And almost in unison they replied YES...We DO! Which honestly made me want to cry worse because who couldn't relate more than Hairdressers? It was both comforting and sad, because I know a little piece of each of their hearts broke for me. Moving on before I get upset all over again...... I have talked about the hair on my head falling out, but did I mention the new growth of hair on my face? Oh yes, it is so pretty! For the first time in my life I have side burns and the mustache of a fifteen year old boy. Sweet look. I work in the beauty business, I'm not downing the mustache, it's just something I've never had to deal with in my life. Sometimes when the wind blows I think what is that whistling on my lip? Oh its just my mustache. I mean why even waste the makeup when I'd just be painting concealer over my "A.J. from Backstreet Boys" facial hair. So as I grow bald on top, and flourish with facial hair I am simply at a loss for the rhyme and reason of the order in which I lose my hair, or gain it for that matter. For this moment I will say," Yes I am Vain, and this song is about my Hair!"
I won't lie, I've been called vain once or twice in my life time. To defend myself I like to think I'm just infatuated with a beautiful presentation. Not to say I'm beautiful, I never deny that I am quite the "before and after". From a young age it's always been about hair. Oh my hair' it has been through the ringer, some tragedies, some triumphs. Hair school alone would have broke the spirit (and cuticle) of most people's hair, but not mine. Receiving that diploma was an accomplishment for not only me, but my mane as well! It was a rough ride but we had made it! Throughout all my recent events involved with finding out I have Cancer I knew it would all come down to this. It's what I've referred to as the "hair breakdown". Some ask," Aren't you worried about the radiation?", or "Does getting chemo scare you?", or "Do all those medications make you nervous?". I simply answer," Do you realize my hair will fall out?". There I am in the hospital after 24 hours of being told I have Cancer, my room crowded with doctors telling me detail for detail about the risks and tolls my organs and body will be taking from the treatments and in this whirlwind of information all I could say was," My HAIR! What are we talking here, all of it? some of it?". Vain yes, but as a women isn't there something sensual about your hair? I mean long or short, in some ways doesn't it represent your femininity? Two days ago a third of my hair came out in one sitting. Devastated, I quickly went to my dearest professional friends who had prepared the most beautiful wig. After being there for over an hour I could feel the breakdown coming hard. Fighting back tears, because I mean really who wants to lose it in a public place such as a salon, I went out back for some air. I lost it a little, mostly because I was surrounded by friends I felt most comfortable with, my hair soul mates. I say through the tears...."It's just....my Hair you know?" And almost in unison they replied YES...We DO! Which honestly made me want to cry worse because who couldn't relate more than Hairdressers? It was both comforting and sad, because I know a little piece of each of their hearts broke for me. Moving on before I get upset all over again...... I have talked about the hair on my head falling out, but did I mention the new growth of hair on my face? Oh yes, it is so pretty! For the first time in my life I have side burns and the mustache of a fifteen year old boy. Sweet look. I work in the beauty business, I'm not downing the mustache, it's just something I've never had to deal with in my life. Sometimes when the wind blows I think what is that whistling on my lip? Oh its just my mustache. I mean why even waste the makeup when I'd just be painting concealer over my "A.J. from Backstreet Boys" facial hair. So as I grow bald on top, and flourish with facial hair I am simply at a loss for the rhyme and reason of the order in which I lose my hair, or gain it for that matter. For this moment I will say," Yes I am Vain, and this song is about my Hair!"
Monday, August 6, 2012
Press On... Le Nails
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bxV-OOIamyk
All my Mom watches is the Olympics, not that I wouldn't watch it at all, but I mean she is obsessed. I'm seriously considering getting her a U.S.A. warm up suit for Christmas. I've been in so much pain lately, that she comes home on her lunch break and puts it on. Once she returns to work I end up watching it for the next 5 hours until she comes home because I'm to exhausted to change it. Last week I watched so much women's beach volleyball, I'm putting on sunscreen and buying visor's. (p.s. I didn't know they still made Visor's) I've been M.I.A. for a little. Reality is finally setting in I guess. The feeling reminds me of your last year of school, you're all excited for the summer, to finally be done. Then when September rolls around you realize that your life is officially different now. This is a permanent difference. Or like when you've planned to go to the beach for the day and it pours. I guess the past week and a half I've earned that Debbie Downer name tag. Not this past Tuesday but the one before it I got my first Chemo treatment. Honestly it went way smoother than I thought. My nurse's name is Ashley, young pretty 30 something. Which was cool because I felt totally comfortable asking her anything and everything throughout the unknown of my first chemo. The worst part is always the unknown isn't it? I had played it out in my head that when I got there they would be using a machete to connect to my port, then they would be throwing battery acid on my open wound while laughing. Okay so maybe I amp the unknown up, I'm the worst with that. Honestly once they connected to my port (which was one pinch... Thanks Schmitty) it was simply sitting there for the next 6 hours getting pumped with multiple bags of poison. I could get my blood taken from the port too, which I didn't even feel! I was beginning to think that secretly the port was totally worth it! Thanks Lunch Lady Land. After I left there I felt a little woozy, some call it "chemo brain". Fatigued and overwhelmed I went home and laid down for a little. The next morning I felt like a million bucks! Why would people even complain about this? This was the best I had felt since the start of the whole thing! I felt energized, healthy even. Then it started... the pain. Cramping and gas pains is what it felt like...but not what it was, that's just chemo. I mean 24/7 pain, for the past week and a half that is all it's been. Once (okay maybe twice) I just started crying, not because I was upset about the Cancer, just because it hurt, and I was frustrated. It was an outlet for the pain, it was all I could do! My mother doesn't help either, she is just the most nurturing, born to be a mom, women. She just rubs my back and says what can I do?". I am 27, and have rarely ever complained about pain, I'm not one to run to Mommy to rub my back when I cry, so when she does this it only makes me cry harder. Thanks Mom. As my little brother says, "She is just the greatest women to ever walk the earth". It's a sin because everyone wants to know what they can do for me, and yet there is nothing to do but for me to endure this pain. As of yesterday it began to let up, today I feel really good, and tomorrow is my second chemo treatment. A.K.A. it will start all over. But like the song, I've got to press on.... Lee Nails. Give me scars, give me pain, then you'll say to me...... There goes a Fighter.
All my Mom watches is the Olympics, not that I wouldn't watch it at all, but I mean she is obsessed. I'm seriously considering getting her a U.S.A. warm up suit for Christmas. I've been in so much pain lately, that she comes home on her lunch break and puts it on. Once she returns to work I end up watching it for the next 5 hours until she comes home because I'm to exhausted to change it. Last week I watched so much women's beach volleyball, I'm putting on sunscreen and buying visor's. (p.s. I didn't know they still made Visor's) I've been M.I.A. for a little. Reality is finally setting in I guess. The feeling reminds me of your last year of school, you're all excited for the summer, to finally be done. Then when September rolls around you realize that your life is officially different now. This is a permanent difference. Or like when you've planned to go to the beach for the day and it pours. I guess the past week and a half I've earned that Debbie Downer name tag. Not this past Tuesday but the one before it I got my first Chemo treatment. Honestly it went way smoother than I thought. My nurse's name is Ashley, young pretty 30 something. Which was cool because I felt totally comfortable asking her anything and everything throughout the unknown of my first chemo. The worst part is always the unknown isn't it? I had played it out in my head that when I got there they would be using a machete to connect to my port, then they would be throwing battery acid on my open wound while laughing. Okay so maybe I amp the unknown up, I'm the worst with that. Honestly once they connected to my port (which was one pinch... Thanks Schmitty) it was simply sitting there for the next 6 hours getting pumped with multiple bags of poison. I could get my blood taken from the port too, which I didn't even feel! I was beginning to think that secretly the port was totally worth it! Thanks Lunch Lady Land. After I left there I felt a little woozy, some call it "chemo brain". Fatigued and overwhelmed I went home and laid down for a little. The next morning I felt like a million bucks! Why would people even complain about this? This was the best I had felt since the start of the whole thing! I felt energized, healthy even. Then it started... the pain. Cramping and gas pains is what it felt like...but not what it was, that's just chemo. I mean 24/7 pain, for the past week and a half that is all it's been. Once (okay maybe twice) I just started crying, not because I was upset about the Cancer, just because it hurt, and I was frustrated. It was an outlet for the pain, it was all I could do! My mother doesn't help either, she is just the most nurturing, born to be a mom, women. She just rubs my back and says what can I do?". I am 27, and have rarely ever complained about pain, I'm not one to run to Mommy to rub my back when I cry, so when she does this it only makes me cry harder. Thanks Mom. As my little brother says, "She is just the greatest women to ever walk the earth". It's a sin because everyone wants to know what they can do for me, and yet there is nothing to do but for me to endure this pain. As of yesterday it began to let up, today I feel really good, and tomorrow is my second chemo treatment. A.K.A. it will start all over. But like the song, I've got to press on.... Lee Nails. Give me scars, give me pain, then you'll say to me...... There goes a Fighter.
Friday, July 20, 2012
Pretty Girl Rock
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v_Ww5JpbtSE&feature=related
So I'm having a benefit thrown for me by a phenomenal group of friends on Sunday. Today I went with my my mother to try on some dresses to see what kind of look I would be going for. Well.... apparently there is only one look I can go for...BIG GIRL. I mean really, I have gained 30 pounds, 10 of it in my one swollen chin. Those smalls that I blogged about sashaying there way to the front have now sprinted their way to the back corner of my closet. I am forced to bring out the "I swear the Dr. wants me to put on the LBS. before chemo," clothes. Which mainly consists of cotton shorts and tanks all twisted like Keith SWEAT, because all I do is sweat! I try to do my hair every now and then... its hard because I get so hot I just want it up. Now I don't know if I've tapped into the hump on my back, plus the 3 chins, plus the steroid acne, plus the huge bruise and skin glue from my port on my chest. Which every one loves to stare at. Didn't their mothers ever teach them that staring is rude? I'm just saying for someone who is usually well maintained, for those who will see me on Sunday.... prepare yourself. Now remember laughter is the best medicine and nothing makes it worse for me then when people are uncomfortable around me, by the way I look. Sometimes I don't want to go places because when I walk in they already filled out my name tag as Debbie Downer. Come on.... I am still me. I can take a joke. But on the contrary Sunday is all my beauty business people. We love to look Fabulous for each other ... hold each other to a certain standard. This is in no way a judgemental standard, it's one that I've come to love, keeps me on my toes with the fashion world I love! So in the end as for Sunday I will have to accept my fate of short term physical ugliness, for long term inner health. But always remember it is Heather Maloney wee are talking about... and I will do what I do always, no matter how I look...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zm28EEeyLek&feature=related
So I'm having a benefit thrown for me by a phenomenal group of friends on Sunday. Today I went with my my mother to try on some dresses to see what kind of look I would be going for. Well.... apparently there is only one look I can go for...BIG GIRL. I mean really, I have gained 30 pounds, 10 of it in my one swollen chin. Those smalls that I blogged about sashaying there way to the front have now sprinted their way to the back corner of my closet. I am forced to bring out the "I swear the Dr. wants me to put on the LBS. before chemo," clothes. Which mainly consists of cotton shorts and tanks all twisted like Keith SWEAT, because all I do is sweat! I try to do my hair every now and then... its hard because I get so hot I just want it up. Now I don't know if I've tapped into the hump on my back, plus the 3 chins, plus the steroid acne, plus the huge bruise and skin glue from my port on my chest. Which every one loves to stare at. Didn't their mothers ever teach them that staring is rude? I'm just saying for someone who is usually well maintained, for those who will see me on Sunday.... prepare yourself. Now remember laughter is the best medicine and nothing makes it worse for me then when people are uncomfortable around me, by the way I look. Sometimes I don't want to go places because when I walk in they already filled out my name tag as Debbie Downer. Come on.... I am still me. I can take a joke. But on the contrary Sunday is all my beauty business people. We love to look Fabulous for each other ... hold each other to a certain standard. This is in no way a judgemental standard, it's one that I've come to love, keeps me on my toes with the fashion world I love! So in the end as for Sunday I will have to accept my fate of short term physical ugliness, for long term inner health. But always remember it is Heather Maloney wee are talking about... and I will do what I do always, no matter how I look...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zm28EEeyLek&feature=related
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Lunch Lady Land
I finally am sliced and diced for everything, ready to get my chemo schedule next Friday! This week was rough... I was in the hospital 3 times. I think I am over the I.V. pricks and even the blood being drawn, ok so maybe we won't go that far... but I just keep hearing my Grandpop Schmitty (with his stylin' Velcro sneaks) saying toughen up girl, and I turn my big swollen head and take it. Let's discuss the port placement... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rR5XATvLWvw&feature=g-hist This was a trip, hence the no-drug/awareness SNL skit link I have posted. Now this is a surgery... one where they will be placing a small device into my chest, then placing a catheter up and around my right jugular (yes I said JUGULAR!) I am informed in pre-surgery that i will be put under... they call it twilight, explaining I may hear voices but I won't be coherent. This is fine I say because I usually go out easily, and I doubt I will be even remotely awake. So my appointment is for 7 AM, early I know, but I figure mind as well just get it over with. My first biggest obstacle is getting that I.V. in, thanks Schmitty (wink), by 7:25 its in. Erin is my nurse anesthesiologist, a natural beauty which of course I would notice, she reminded me of my friend Hannah. Like Hi you wake up in the morning looking like that, I can always appreciate a beautiful women. Moving on from the lesbo stuff she is super sweet and begins to inform me that I will not, I repeat NOT be put under!I quickly begin to panic..... and by panic I mean cry. I said what happened to twilight????? My mind is racing and my thoughts disheveled... was someone referring to Robert Patterson and Kristen Stewart or are we talking about my surgery? Erin says calmly that as long as my vitals are steady she will keep pumping me with this "twilight", but i will be awake and hear whats going on, feel "pressure". Wooo Wooo Wooo unless Taylor Lautner himself is coming out shirtless to push something in that I.V. i know what "pressure" means.. code for pain. When I had my son I had a C-section and they said "pressure" I felt pain. The tears are now just streaming and Erin is trying to calm me down. "You have to do what you have to do," I say, "just get it over with." She gives me something to calm me down first and I wait, "shut your eyes and relax." RELAX??????? I can see her pumping different tubes of things into my I.V. as they put up a sheet on my right side so I can't see. I'm left to simply look at Erin,who is sincerely telling me it will be ok, pumping yet another tube into my I.V. The surgeon tells me he is going to give me a series of needles in the right side of my neck and chest to numb the area, ouch! I wince at Erin who strokes the tears of my cheeks. I succumb to the natural habit of Heather Maloney and I tell Erin I'm gonna just have to talk to you.It's what I do when I'm nervous. Chat your ear off if I am forced to be awake for this, did you say the medicine would make me chatty? OOOOOOOhhhhhh Erin you have met your match! It's actually a sin for her, she had no idea what she was in for. The surgery last about 35 mins, As she kept pumping me with her "twilight vampire drugs" my mouth was off like a racehorse. I honestly don't even know the Variety of stories I told, I do however remember talking about my Aunt Cindy. Who has been a lunch lady for several years and has perfected her job! I hear at her school they call her "Sandwich Cindy because she has the perfect meat to bread ratio!" That is truly a talent, I tell Erin. "And not to relate in any way my Aunt to Chris Farley but I know I am drugged up now when I start singing this ... http://www.songspeak.com/sloppy-joe-slop-sloppy-joe/. Yes .... Yes I did.SMH.(Grandmom Pat that means Shaking My Head) (the audio in the beginning is bad but it gets better, it's the only original I could find) The surgeon even gave a chuckle... he was surprised I knew it word for word... I said."me too!" Then we were done!Erin says," I gave you everything but the kitchen sink,and I believe you sang the Sloppy Joe song, that was a first for us especially at 7:30 AM." I like to keep it original what can I say." To add one last detail to my tale I hear the Surgeon say in a far off distance,"I can't find my wedding band...." Now I had heard a story of a women whose port got infected because they only took 9 out of 10 gauze out, not where I had got mine done, but my eyes quickly dart in panic thinking this man's wedding band is dangling from the port in my chest! Before I can hyperventilate they find it. He said he doesn't wear it during surgery any way, but I could rest assured that all day they would all be singing about Sloppy Joe thanks to me.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
America Runs On Dunkin..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nb4m6H90OzM
Yes that's me... Big Head. It's all the steroids... I am just a a swollen mess. I have always loved this song.. love that she represents Philly, and love that she wrote a song, not even knowing, about me coming off steroids! One thing I can not wait to do is put on my heels and go dancing. We all know I have the sweetest white girl moves.. but I'm not proud. I fully own my generic "Heather Moves". They aren't the best but they do the trick. It's not even about the drinking or the bar scene, I just want to dance! Coming down off the steroids has it's ups and downs. On one hand I can actually sleep at night, well that is giving me a 3 hour stretch which I will take. On the other hand my face and neck have never been more swollen! Sometimes I have to schedule feedings for just my solid double chin. I am continuing to have the "steroid acne" which is little white bumps that adorn and accentuate my double chin the most. I am looking forward to not having a "big head" any more... I will however love this song forever! The worst part is my joint pain, I could compare it to the "hobbling" scene in Misery with Kathy Bates. Yes that bad, but I realized I have to force myself to walk. Yesterday morning I woke up at 4 in extreme pain. I came downstairs and put my feet under the scalding hot water until the heat made no difference. The sheer pain of it made me put on my sneakers and I walked to Dunkin Donuts. It would normally take me a mere 5 mins, 25 mins later of biting tears away I had my brother pick me up. I def could not do the walk home. But I felt great the rest of the day! I had to force myself to find strength through the pain. Because honestly " America runs on Dunkin right?"
Yes that's me... Big Head. It's all the steroids... I am just a a swollen mess. I have always loved this song.. love that she represents Philly, and love that she wrote a song, not even knowing, about me coming off steroids! One thing I can not wait to do is put on my heels and go dancing. We all know I have the sweetest white girl moves.. but I'm not proud. I fully own my generic "Heather Moves". They aren't the best but they do the trick. It's not even about the drinking or the bar scene, I just want to dance! Coming down off the steroids has it's ups and downs. On one hand I can actually sleep at night, well that is giving me a 3 hour stretch which I will take. On the other hand my face and neck have never been more swollen! Sometimes I have to schedule feedings for just my solid double chin. I am continuing to have the "steroid acne" which is little white bumps that adorn and accentuate my double chin the most. I am looking forward to not having a "big head" any more... I will however love this song forever! The worst part is my joint pain, I could compare it to the "hobbling" scene in Misery with Kathy Bates. Yes that bad, but I realized I have to force myself to walk. Yesterday morning I woke up at 4 in extreme pain. I came downstairs and put my feet under the scalding hot water until the heat made no difference. The sheer pain of it made me put on my sneakers and I walked to Dunkin Donuts. It would normally take me a mere 5 mins, 25 mins later of biting tears away I had my brother pick me up. I def could not do the walk home. But I felt great the rest of the day! I had to force myself to find strength through the pain. Because honestly " America runs on Dunkin right?"
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Hot Towel?
My Ankles have never felt like this! I have been up off and on since 4 AM because the cramping is so bad I can't sleep. After researching online I saw this is a common reaction after radiation treatment. It's like I'm a 90 year old lady trying to get up and down. P.s. I have what's called "steroid acne" all over my round full face and chest and arms....sweet look. To add to the 10 pounds I've gained I'm almost at super model status! On that note I'm going to get a peanut buster bar out of the fridge, I accepted my fate 3 days ago and just bought the 10 pack box for home. Any way the only way to help my feet is heat, thank goodness its only 110 degrees outside, I wouldn't want to break a sweat while trying to ease the pain! So what I've been doing all night is sitting in the bathroom with my feet under the steaming water, until I can't stand it. I sweat but it's relief, then I pull the old "Uncle Buck/ Nail Salon" hot wet towel in the microwave. I wrap it around my legs and wait for the pain to subside. I'm going at some point today to get heated slippers or something better then the hot towel in the microwave. I have made countless people watch this video, so if your a first timer it's a bonus! I needed the laugh with the pain because this is funny every time.... ENJOY!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SsWrY77o77o
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SsWrY77o77o
Friday, July 6, 2012
My Kind of Love
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r_siYfZDh5w&feature=BFa&list=ULZx5nN5jrafA
I seriously looked up the lyrics for this first and fell in love with simply the lyrics... then 20 minutes after repeat I decided to watch the video. WOW! I am in love with this girl! Her song Next to Me is the first time I found her, in recent events its exactly how I feel my boyfriend has been. This song though... this video... it gives me chills.I think I've watched it for the past hour on repeat. How blessed am I that I still have friends like this, people whose heart truly beats for me. My mom told since I was 2 that I was "people oriented", I absolutely love people, the good, the bad, the crazies because at the end of the day it's always a great story! Personality amazes me, I do however have issues with quiet people, but most of my friends will say I will always find the good in someone. Some might even say if Heather doesn't like them then no one will. I'm the friend you bring to introduce to your new boyfriend, Or the new girl at work that your trying to connect with the old friends. I'm always the one that's like, "Come on give her a chance.." I tend to get burned a lot on that note... Proved wrong by the true flaws that lie in people. But honestly who isn't flawed? Isn't that what true love is? Not just romantically but with friends as well, to truly love someone is to except their flaws."A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same"- Elbert Hubbard I've had many different friends along the years, and am proud to say that I have kept and cherished those who do not judge, who live their lives loving me for being late all the time, not calling back, and mostly realizing that in times of need I'm there. Our lives are our own, and their is a difference between friendly constructive criticism, and just plain judgmental opinions."A friend should be one in whose understanding and virtue we can equally confide, and whose opinion we can value at once for justness and sincerity," - Robert Hall. Each person lives their own life, the sooner we can learn to accept and support that the stronger our friendships can grow. I don't need to talk to my best friends everyday,,, because when I see them it's like I saw them yesterday. So please enjoy this video.... celebrate your friends today and the people that have blessed you with their presence and let me end on this quote from Thomas Jefferson. "But friendship is precious, not only in the shade, but in the sunshine of life, and thanks to the benevolent arrangement the greater part of life is sunshine!"
I seriously looked up the lyrics for this first and fell in love with simply the lyrics... then 20 minutes after repeat I decided to watch the video. WOW! I am in love with this girl! Her song Next to Me is the first time I found her, in recent events its exactly how I feel my boyfriend has been. This song though... this video... it gives me chills.I think I've watched it for the past hour on repeat. How blessed am I that I still have friends like this, people whose heart truly beats for me. My mom told since I was 2 that I was "people oriented", I absolutely love people, the good, the bad, the crazies because at the end of the day it's always a great story! Personality amazes me, I do however have issues with quiet people, but most of my friends will say I will always find the good in someone. Some might even say if Heather doesn't like them then no one will. I'm the friend you bring to introduce to your new boyfriend, Or the new girl at work that your trying to connect with the old friends. I'm always the one that's like, "Come on give her a chance.." I tend to get burned a lot on that note... Proved wrong by the true flaws that lie in people. But honestly who isn't flawed? Isn't that what true love is? Not just romantically but with friends as well, to truly love someone is to except their flaws."A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same"- Elbert Hubbard I've had many different friends along the years, and am proud to say that I have kept and cherished those who do not judge, who live their lives loving me for being late all the time, not calling back, and mostly realizing that in times of need I'm there. Our lives are our own, and their is a difference between friendly constructive criticism, and just plain judgmental opinions."A friend should be one in whose understanding and virtue we can equally confide, and whose opinion we can value at once for justness and sincerity," - Robert Hall. Each person lives their own life, the sooner we can learn to accept and support that the stronger our friendships can grow. I don't need to talk to my best friends everyday,,, because when I see them it's like I saw them yesterday. So please enjoy this video.... celebrate your friends today and the people that have blessed you with their presence and let me end on this quote from Thomas Jefferson. "But friendship is precious, not only in the shade, but in the sunshine of life, and thanks to the benevolent arrangement the greater part of life is sunshine!"
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Despicable Me...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fSoQRi89qxc
My son has made me watch this movie at least 1,000,000,000,000 times, not like I mind it's actually one of my favorites! However this song is exactly how I've been feeling all week. I'm having a bad bad day.... if you take it personal then that's OK. All of my treatment is on hold because every doctor I have is on vacation! They have chosen to ween me off the steroids which means I am feeling this weird limbo of my tumor around my spine and I am constantly worried that I may loose feeling in my hands permanently, that could just be the med's, and my anxiety. I haven't been in the mood to blog, sorry to my fans, but then I realized I should be blogging the bad too. Everyone can't expect me to be happy all the time. At breakfast with an old cherished friend, she said I'm sure you have your dark hours.... well it has been a dark week. I finished the radiation last Wednesday, it hadn't hurt the whole time I got the treatment. I was not prepared for the after effects. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy worse then expected. For a solid 3 days it hurt to even get luke warm water down, the pills I have to take were like shoving a watermelon through a pin hole, I had to have a "spit cup" for my over salivating (felt like a red neck cowboy hick... ladies don't spit) and the worst part of it all.... I Heather Maloney... had no voice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you imagine this? I still have NO VOICE!!!!!!!! For someone who normally has diarreah of the mouth, being constipated and a mute is simply depressing. I do not understand how quiet people live! How do you not express yourself? How do you keep your thoughts all bottled up? My mother is going the most crazy with it. She said ."Heather you not talking is just UNNATURAL!" It makes her so uncomfortable... which makes me uncomfortable lol. Not in a weird way just the fact that it is just so mind blowing... my forced silence. People continue to call or talk to me, and then I get frustrated when they say what or I can't hear you. The frustration is endless and its no ones fault. P.s. my double chin is bigger and fuller then my first chin... like the scientist in Despicable Me, no lie. That is dead what I look like, including the Quasimodo hunchback from Notre Dame. (All from the reduction of the steroids causing swelling) God Bless John Paul's soul for loving me still, he has been so patient and perfect I couldn't ask for more. I don't even know if I could have the self control he does, if the roles were reversed. It effects him just as much, it's hard yet he has embarked on this crazy Cancer trip with what seems such ease, and tender care. I can't describe my love for this man. <3 So I'm just waiting for now.... waiting for everyone to get back from vacation, waiting for the port, ad the chemo schedule, waiting for the effects of the radiation to subside. Waiting .. and while I do I'm going to share my misery with this clip that has made me smile.(Please excuse the language} Because if my Granny were here she would put on one of these 100 movies in this clip and say ....FORGET ABOUT IT!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PSEYXWmEse8&feature=related
My son has made me watch this movie at least 1,000,000,000,000 times, not like I mind it's actually one of my favorites! However this song is exactly how I've been feeling all week. I'm having a bad bad day.... if you take it personal then that's OK. All of my treatment is on hold because every doctor I have is on vacation! They have chosen to ween me off the steroids which means I am feeling this weird limbo of my tumor around my spine and I am constantly worried that I may loose feeling in my hands permanently, that could just be the med's, and my anxiety. I haven't been in the mood to blog, sorry to my fans, but then I realized I should be blogging the bad too. Everyone can't expect me to be happy all the time. At breakfast with an old cherished friend, she said I'm sure you have your dark hours.... well it has been a dark week. I finished the radiation last Wednesday, it hadn't hurt the whole time I got the treatment. I was not prepared for the after effects. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy worse then expected. For a solid 3 days it hurt to even get luke warm water down, the pills I have to take were like shoving a watermelon through a pin hole, I had to have a "spit cup" for my over salivating (felt like a red neck cowboy hick... ladies don't spit) and the worst part of it all.... I Heather Maloney... had no voice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you imagine this? I still have NO VOICE!!!!!!!! For someone who normally has diarreah of the mouth, being constipated and a mute is simply depressing. I do not understand how quiet people live! How do you not express yourself? How do you keep your thoughts all bottled up? My mother is going the most crazy with it. She said ."Heather you not talking is just UNNATURAL!" It makes her so uncomfortable... which makes me uncomfortable lol. Not in a weird way just the fact that it is just so mind blowing... my forced silence. People continue to call or talk to me, and then I get frustrated when they say what or I can't hear you. The frustration is endless and its no ones fault. P.s. my double chin is bigger and fuller then my first chin... like the scientist in Despicable Me, no lie. That is dead what I look like, including the Quasimodo hunchback from Notre Dame. (All from the reduction of the steroids causing swelling) God Bless John Paul's soul for loving me still, he has been so patient and perfect I couldn't ask for more. I don't even know if I could have the self control he does, if the roles were reversed. It effects him just as much, it's hard yet he has embarked on this crazy Cancer trip with what seems such ease, and tender care. I can't describe my love for this man. <3 So I'm just waiting for now.... waiting for everyone to get back from vacation, waiting for the port, ad the chemo schedule, waiting for the effects of the radiation to subside. Waiting .. and while I do I'm going to share my misery with this clip that has made me smile.(Please excuse the language} Because if my Granny were here she would put on one of these 100 movies in this clip and say ....FORGET ABOUT IT!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PSEYXWmEse8&feature=related
Thursday, June 28, 2012
On Fire
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z3QMwkSUlEg&feature=related
This commercial will be me in 2 weeks, I just can not wait !!!! It reminds me of the song "FATTY GIRL FATTY GIRL FATTY GIRL ~ WHO ME? YES! Ok so here we are again... 4 AM and I. Tonight or should I say this morning toss and turn about a variety of things, all so important that I must get up and research these necessities. First off is the Christmas Tree Shop, I need a lamp for Christopher and a he would like a new nightlight. Have you ever been to the Christmas tree Shop? Similar to Walmart, or Target you (as my friend Nicole says) go in for toothpaste and come out with a cart worth of stuff you "need", spending at least $100. The Christmas tree shop is such a hidden gem of crap.... if you have never been I don't know whether I suggest it or not because it could be your new addiction. This medicine has me all Jackie N. in "The Shining, HEEEEEERRRREEE'SSS JOOOOHHHHNNNNYYY" again. so expect this blog to be jumpy. My throat is absolutely killing me... nothing soothes it. But my radiation is finished! FINISHED!!!!!! Yesterday was my last day, 20 sessions down. The nurses says my throat should subside in about 2 weeks, so On the positive side I am on the downhill side of that battle! I have to press forward with the pain. I guess I used to be such a wimp with pain and I will say that experiencing this I have a new high tolerance for pain. I have come to the realization that I just have to get it done, the needles, the procedures, the chemo, etc. It is what it is. Also I guess I have been in pain so long, and not knowing what was was wrong, I'm ecstatic to know and deal with what this is, to have a timeline. To know that in a year, I'll be ok. I will have faced my battle with a full heart. Now moving on to return address labels.. zazzle.com, thanks mom! Steroids + an already indecisive ADD personality + a billion choices = me being occupied until I have to take Christopher to camp at 9 AM. I also am going to look up beds I think. If anyone has any good suggestions like tempur pedic or something, it's just something I have no idea about, and I am totally open to suggestions. See the steroids can give you bad joint pain apparently, my knees feel like a 90 year old women. It is worst in the morning and at night. I may have to shanagle my brother to a room switch because his is downstairs and I may not be able to do the steps the further this goes. He will do it... I'll set everything up real nice. And by that I mean I will bring the "Organizational Queen" , aka my cousin Charlene over, and she will change lives with her cleaning! She is the best with that stuff! It is such a toss up because I'm tired, I have a sleeping pill, but I am battling taking it. I feel that it makes my knees hurt worse. It's just the ultimate toss up, because I'm exhausted. I will end on this simple quote. "Success isn't a result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire." - Arnold H. Glasow. Have a great day, I'll be here all week!
This commercial will be me in 2 weeks, I just can not wait !!!! It reminds me of the song "FATTY GIRL FATTY GIRL FATTY GIRL ~ WHO ME? YES! Ok so here we are again... 4 AM and I. Tonight or should I say this morning toss and turn about a variety of things, all so important that I must get up and research these necessities. First off is the Christmas Tree Shop, I need a lamp for Christopher and a he would like a new nightlight. Have you ever been to the Christmas tree Shop? Similar to Walmart, or Target you (as my friend Nicole says) go in for toothpaste and come out with a cart worth of stuff you "need", spending at least $100. The Christmas tree shop is such a hidden gem of crap.... if you have never been I don't know whether I suggest it or not because it could be your new addiction. This medicine has me all Jackie N. in "The Shining, HEEEEEERRRREEE'SSS JOOOOHHHHNNNNYYY" again. so expect this blog to be jumpy. My throat is absolutely killing me... nothing soothes it. But my radiation is finished! FINISHED!!!!!! Yesterday was my last day, 20 sessions down. The nurses says my throat should subside in about 2 weeks, so On the positive side I am on the downhill side of that battle! I have to press forward with the pain. I guess I used to be such a wimp with pain and I will say that experiencing this I have a new high tolerance for pain. I have come to the realization that I just have to get it done, the needles, the procedures, the chemo, etc. It is what it is. Also I guess I have been in pain so long, and not knowing what was was wrong, I'm ecstatic to know and deal with what this is, to have a timeline. To know that in a year, I'll be ok. I will have faced my battle with a full heart. Now moving on to return address labels.. zazzle.com, thanks mom! Steroids + an already indecisive ADD personality + a billion choices = me being occupied until I have to take Christopher to camp at 9 AM. I also am going to look up beds I think. If anyone has any good suggestions like tempur pedic or something, it's just something I have no idea about, and I am totally open to suggestions. See the steroids can give you bad joint pain apparently, my knees feel like a 90 year old women. It is worst in the morning and at night. I may have to shanagle my brother to a room switch because his is downstairs and I may not be able to do the steps the further this goes. He will do it... I'll set everything up real nice. And by that I mean I will bring the "Organizational Queen" , aka my cousin Charlene over, and she will change lives with her cleaning! She is the best with that stuff! It is such a toss up because I'm tired, I have a sleeping pill, but I am battling taking it. I feel that it makes my knees hurt worse. It's just the ultimate toss up, because I'm exhausted. I will end on this simple quote. "Success isn't a result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire." - Arnold H. Glasow. Have a great day, I'll be here all week!
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Beautiful People
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dhChl6tCYFg&feature=results_main&playnext=1&list=PL94C21369DC4DE0F3
Pressure... pressure can be a funny thing. As of tomorrow aka at 7:20 am Monday morning I was supposed to be in the hospital for the "minor, we do this everyday" surgery for my Port Placement. A port placement is when they would be putting a tiny ( size and width of the top of my thumb) port into my chest with a long thin plastic tube that connects to one of my arteries, up around through my neck, it comes back around down to the center of the port and to grandmother's house we go. The worst and last time I'll have to get put under, sliced and diced for now! It is good though because the purpose of it is to save my veins, so that after I get this in, every time I go for chemo they can do all my meds, take blood, or give me antibiotics through this port. For me it is just going to be weird because I will know it is there, for me its the thought it. The absolute knowledge that something is there. "Will I see it? Will I be able to feel it? Do they prick through my skin every time? Can my body reject it?" Soooooo many questions! However I never got the confirmation call and there were strict instructions on what to do before the surgery starts. So now I am not going. I will be going to my 18th radiation tomorrow.. done on Wednesday... Finally! I can wait to have my mouth back.... this battery acid lemon juice taste on the constant really is not working for me, TART doesn't come close to describing. Its just tongue thrust central... I gross myself out do not worry. I wanted to get the port placement over with but now I will wait. Pressure. I just want to get it done. But all In good time, I'm dozing and I'm gonna try to drift off at the thought of Allen from the hangover, back when I was a fan of the man that didn't know that facial hair would change his career. SNAP IF YOUR WITH ME! This clip is from when Zach G. had his own late night talk show. before he starred in Hangover. When we start with the mistaken belief that it is an easy life that will make us truly happy, we become weary trying to live out our faulty belief. A contented person has learned to accept the bitter with the sweet. Let me end in what recently became one of my favorite quotes, "The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation,a sensitivity, and understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."- Elizabeth Kubler Ros (thanks Judy!)
Pressure... pressure can be a funny thing. As of tomorrow aka at 7:20 am Monday morning I was supposed to be in the hospital for the "minor, we do this everyday" surgery for my Port Placement. A port placement is when they would be putting a tiny ( size and width of the top of my thumb) port into my chest with a long thin plastic tube that connects to one of my arteries, up around through my neck, it comes back around down to the center of the port and to grandmother's house we go. The worst and last time I'll have to get put under, sliced and diced for now! It is good though because the purpose of it is to save my veins, so that after I get this in, every time I go for chemo they can do all my meds, take blood, or give me antibiotics through this port. For me it is just going to be weird because I will know it is there, for me its the thought it. The absolute knowledge that something is there. "Will I see it? Will I be able to feel it? Do they prick through my skin every time? Can my body reject it?" Soooooo many questions! However I never got the confirmation call and there were strict instructions on what to do before the surgery starts. So now I am not going. I will be going to my 18th radiation tomorrow.. done on Wednesday... Finally! I can wait to have my mouth back.... this battery acid lemon juice taste on the constant really is not working for me, TART doesn't come close to describing. Its just tongue thrust central... I gross myself out do not worry. I wanted to get the port placement over with but now I will wait. Pressure. I just want to get it done. But all In good time, I'm dozing and I'm gonna try to drift off at the thought of Allen from the hangover, back when I was a fan of the man that didn't know that facial hair would change his career. SNAP IF YOUR WITH ME! This clip is from when Zach G. had his own late night talk show. before he starred in Hangover. When we start with the mistaken belief that it is an easy life that will make us truly happy, we become weary trying to live out our faulty belief. A contented person has learned to accept the bitter with the sweet. Let me end in what recently became one of my favorite quotes, "The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation,a sensitivity, and understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."- Elizabeth Kubler Ros (thanks Judy!)
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Maps ... and Circulate!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wR9GiA7Hg_A
And it's 3 AM .... I'm awake ... I have a cup full of honey nut cheerios and when I just went to the bathroom real quick before I sit down to write I realize that my sweat pants are inside out. In the mirror my pupils are dancing a Jack Nicholson Irish jig like,"Heeeeeerrrrrreeee'sss Jooooohhhnnnyyyyy!" Sweet Look. Thanks Steroids. My mom, son and brother are fast asleep, not to be weird but I hope they are enjoying their slumber, with my schizophrenic personality we all know know they need their rest! They are so good with me, unconditional patience, Saints. Really I get overwhelmed by the amount of sheer and absolute volume of phenomenal variety of support. Mind Blowing. (Speaking of blowing ...should I refill the Cheerios's? No... last blog... sharting.... fiber overload not necessary.. TMI? well I'm writing it sorry) Any way Lets talk about the video clip.... I am now going to take any youngsters back to a place in time where us kids from the 90's lived. Not the stone age.. the 90's. I recently posted this on my face book as a shared tag and thought it was great, " I was born in the 80's... grew up in the 90's... We are the last generation that learned to play in the street, we were the first to play video games, the last to record songs off the radio on cassettes or music videos on VHS. We are the pioneers of Walkmans and chat rooms. We learned how to program the VCR before anyone else. We played with Atari, Genesis, and Super Nintendo.We believed the Internet would be a free world. We are the generation of the Thunder Cats, Transformers, Ninja Turtles, Family Matters, T.G.I.F., The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air, and Martin. We traveled in cars without seat belts and air bags. We lived without cell phones. We didn't have 99+ television stations, flat screens, surround sound, MP3's, Ipods, Face book, or Twitter. But never the less we had a great time!" I thought that was so on point! Does any one out there remember before MTV or VH1 had mad music videos, there was a channel... I want to say #57... THE BOX? I wish I could see the light bulbs of people that remember this right now. It was the first TV jukebox I guess. You could literally call in after going through a list of songs, charging a small fortune of $1.99 on your parents credit card to some 3rd world country's automated computer. Then you wait... but with no you tube or Internet I mean what else did we have to do? You would hate the generic teenie boppers that would put on Baby One More Time like 8000 times, and I would secretly love it at the same time. Personally I would love the random weird stuff... the videos where others might have been like what country bumkin from Idaho put this on, yet inside it spoke to my soul. This song at the beginning of my blog, that's the first time I ever saw this video, on the box, thanks Idaho! To this day the song moves me with it's simplistic talent. its raw. During this whole adventure of Cancer, I cant stop resurfacing this song in my brain. It reminds me of so many things in my recent experiences, but mostly the sheer and absolute volume of phenomenal variety of support. I couldn't relate more to this song, or the lyrics. Hold that thought ..Let me grab the mint choco chip cream ice from Rita's... my throat is raging. And I'm back beginning to feel like a big girl because I def just left a spoon in the quart for later, good looks on my part for convenience, bad looks for my round pudgy face. I'm over it though.. the dog has retreated to sleep with my brother because I smell. She's looking at me like it's ok though. In the beginning I blamed her.. the dog.. but then she was outside for a while and I just had to fess up, she forgave me. Sad yes but whatever more room for me! My brother just rolled over and saw me for the 6th night cracked out on steroids he opens his eyes then shuts them... it must be awful to wake up to my stench of stale. ( Secretly, and so unlady like I'm laughing because from a big sister to a little brother a fart is always funny) "Do you want a fan?" I ask. Because now I feel bad, its not nice to torture your little brother with Poots while he's sleeping. "That would be nice," he simply says, rolling over as if he could care less either way. He truly doesn't care. He loves me. So let me wrap this up somehow by saying this. Sharts stink... so get a fan right? A quote from a friend says this..." Even though this is hard, even though I don't understand it, even though its not fair, I'll keep a good attitude and stay full of joy, knowing that this is not setting me back. It is setting me up for something better, to bring me through to the other side of this in an even better position." I'm simply Circulating.
And it's 3 AM .... I'm awake ... I have a cup full of honey nut cheerios and when I just went to the bathroom real quick before I sit down to write I realize that my sweat pants are inside out. In the mirror my pupils are dancing a Jack Nicholson Irish jig like,"Heeeeeerrrrrreeee'sss Jooooohhhnnnyyyyy!" Sweet Look. Thanks Steroids. My mom, son and brother are fast asleep, not to be weird but I hope they are enjoying their slumber, with my schizophrenic personality we all know know they need their rest! They are so good with me, unconditional patience, Saints. Really I get overwhelmed by the amount of sheer and absolute volume of phenomenal variety of support. Mind Blowing. (Speaking of blowing ...should I refill the Cheerios's? No... last blog... sharting.... fiber overload not necessary.. TMI? well I'm writing it sorry) Any way Lets talk about the video clip.... I am now going to take any youngsters back to a place in time where us kids from the 90's lived. Not the stone age.. the 90's. I recently posted this on my face book as a shared tag and thought it was great, " I was born in the 80's... grew up in the 90's... We are the last generation that learned to play in the street, we were the first to play video games, the last to record songs off the radio on cassettes or music videos on VHS. We are the pioneers of Walkmans and chat rooms. We learned how to program the VCR before anyone else. We played with Atari, Genesis, and Super Nintendo.We believed the Internet would be a free world. We are the generation of the Thunder Cats, Transformers, Ninja Turtles, Family Matters, T.G.I.F., The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air, and Martin. We traveled in cars without seat belts and air bags. We lived without cell phones. We didn't have 99+ television stations, flat screens, surround sound, MP3's, Ipods, Face book, or Twitter. But never the less we had a great time!" I thought that was so on point! Does any one out there remember before MTV or VH1 had mad music videos, there was a channel... I want to say #57... THE BOX? I wish I could see the light bulbs of people that remember this right now. It was the first TV jukebox I guess. You could literally call in after going through a list of songs, charging a small fortune of $1.99 on your parents credit card to some 3rd world country's automated computer. Then you wait... but with no you tube or Internet I mean what else did we have to do? You would hate the generic teenie boppers that would put on Baby One More Time like 8000 times, and I would secretly love it at the same time. Personally I would love the random weird stuff... the videos where others might have been like what country bumkin from Idaho put this on, yet inside it spoke to my soul. This song at the beginning of my blog, that's the first time I ever saw this video, on the box, thanks Idaho! To this day the song moves me with it's simplistic talent. its raw. During this whole adventure of Cancer, I cant stop resurfacing this song in my brain. It reminds me of so many things in my recent experiences, but mostly the sheer and absolute volume of phenomenal variety of support. I couldn't relate more to this song, or the lyrics. Hold that thought ..Let me grab the mint choco chip cream ice from Rita's... my throat is raging. And I'm back beginning to feel like a big girl because I def just left a spoon in the quart for later, good looks on my part for convenience, bad looks for my round pudgy face. I'm over it though.. the dog has retreated to sleep with my brother because I smell. She's looking at me like it's ok though. In the beginning I blamed her.. the dog.. but then she was outside for a while and I just had to fess up, she forgave me. Sad yes but whatever more room for me! My brother just rolled over and saw me for the 6th night cracked out on steroids he opens his eyes then shuts them... it must be awful to wake up to my stench of stale. ( Secretly, and so unlady like I'm laughing because from a big sister to a little brother a fart is always funny) "Do you want a fan?" I ask. Because now I feel bad, its not nice to torture your little brother with Poots while he's sleeping. "That would be nice," he simply says, rolling over as if he could care less either way. He truly doesn't care. He loves me. So let me wrap this up somehow by saying this. Sharts stink... so get a fan right? A quote from a friend says this..." Even though this is hard, even though I don't understand it, even though its not fair, I'll keep a good attitude and stay full of joy, knowing that this is not setting me back. It is setting me up for something better, to bring me through to the other side of this in an even better position." I'm simply Circulating.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Don't Hassel Me I'm Local...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KvVKFCP5cCA
This is just a snippet, a sheer every pun intended mouth wet of a taste of what my steroid mood swings are like... God bless every one's soul who is with in a mile radius of me. My mom calls me "2 bite Heather" because for two bites its amazing... but as for after that I remember that the snoozeberries just aren't going to taste like snoozeberries no matter how great it is. I have never been a picky eater, I'll try anything once, now I LOVE IT!!!!!!! I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!! (soft voice) I'm sorry.... It's Crazy. "Fay I see salt and pepper... is there a salt substitute?" I am staying at a steady losing one or two lbs., but don't worry the doctor says," The steroids are making your face round, common effect." He says this with a smug smile because for him this means the medicine is doing it's job! My vision gets blurred and I slip into some twisted delusion of my Dr. as Cher and I as Rocky Dennis from the movie Mask. With my red hair, prickly heat rash, rounder than the sun face saying "These things are good.. ice cream cake, a ride on a Harley, seeing monkeys in the trees, the rain on my tongue, and the sun shining on my face. These things are a drag dust in my hair, holes in my shoes, no money in my pocket, and the sun shining on my face." If you've never seen the movie...watch it, CLASSIC BAY CITY. My fingers wont stop typing so I am forced to move on to yet another inception of stories with in stories... steroids.I am snapped back to the meeting with the doctor when he says , " Are you losing control of your bladder or bowels yet?" I'm sorry... WHAT?..... No.... Should I be expecting that? He informs me that with all the combined treatment it may be inevitable. ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS! So with a yeast infection in my throat.. and my own SNL commercial of "Oops I Crapped My Pants" I am seriously just running over Justin Timberlake with my Cancer Mack Truck and single handed bringing sexy back my self. In my home ... I would like you to call me Dr. Leo Marvin.
This is just a snippet, a sheer every pun intended mouth wet of a taste of what my steroid mood swings are like... God bless every one's soul who is with in a mile radius of me. My mom calls me "2 bite Heather" because for two bites its amazing... but as for after that I remember that the snoozeberries just aren't going to taste like snoozeberries no matter how great it is. I have never been a picky eater, I'll try anything once, now I LOVE IT!!!!!!! I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!! (soft voice) I'm sorry.... It's Crazy. "Fay I see salt and pepper... is there a salt substitute?" I am staying at a steady losing one or two lbs., but don't worry the doctor says," The steroids are making your face round, common effect." He says this with a smug smile because for him this means the medicine is doing it's job! My vision gets blurred and I slip into some twisted delusion of my Dr. as Cher and I as Rocky Dennis from the movie Mask. With my red hair, prickly heat rash, rounder than the sun face saying "These things are good.. ice cream cake, a ride on a Harley, seeing monkeys in the trees, the rain on my tongue, and the sun shining on my face. These things are a drag dust in my hair, holes in my shoes, no money in my pocket, and the sun shining on my face." If you've never seen the movie...watch it, CLASSIC BAY CITY. My fingers wont stop typing so I am forced to move on to yet another inception of stories with in stories... steroids.I am snapped back to the meeting with the doctor when he says , " Are you losing control of your bladder or bowels yet?" I'm sorry... WHAT?..... No.... Should I be expecting that? He informs me that with all the combined treatment it may be inevitable. ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS! So with a yeast infection in my throat.. and my own SNL commercial of "Oops I Crapped My Pants" I am seriously just running over Justin Timberlake with my Cancer Mack Truck and single handed bringing sexy back my self. In my home ... I would like you to call me Dr. Leo Marvin.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
You Should See The Toast.....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IquI7dwCj6s
Get the snow shovel out...Steroids are like crack. This is what I feel my son comes down to for the everyday breakfast post- Cancer. Every balloon ribbon has been curled individually with scissors, did someone say streamers? what color? what time does the dollar store open? I should invest in a cow so I can just start churning my own butter and milk. I made those pancakes from scratch... up all night just to make you this AM extravaganza. Honestly my son would really love it and tell me I'm the best because he's just got it like that. My mind is racing a mile a minute, there are so many things I could do... organized projects that were unheard of before now seem utterly necessary to proceed with life. (and by mentioning "utterly" I am subconsciously going to back to the serious consideration of buying the cow again) RACING! My brother mike rolls over from sleeping on the couch around 4 am to find me all Agent Piss'ant from Corkey Ramano "QUESTION?.....YES? ... NO?..... DID U HAVE A QUESTION?... I SHOULD BUY A BOAT." He just looks at me and rolls back over asking if I'm OK, knowing full well that I am. "Yes I'm just cracked out on steroids... I'm going to make a pie. Dead serious the hand made butter dough is chilling in the fridge. and I've pitted and cut 2 lbs. of fresh cherries. I am not joking. I guess its just the most organized and efficient I've ever been in my life. I would wish that everyone in some way, shape, or form, would be so lucky as to get a wake up call, not in the Cancer manner, just to re appreciate that a home-made pie can show so much love. "We must never forget that we may also find meaning in life even when confronted with a tragic situation, when facing a fate that can not be changed. For what then matters is to bear witness to the uniquely human potential at it's best, which is to transform a personal tragedy into a triumph, to turn one's predicament into a human achievement" - a quote from 'A Man's Search for Meaning' (inspiration shared by Charisse <3)
Get the snow shovel out...Steroids are like crack. This is what I feel my son comes down to for the everyday breakfast post- Cancer. Every balloon ribbon has been curled individually with scissors, did someone say streamers? what color? what time does the dollar store open? I should invest in a cow so I can just start churning my own butter and milk. I made those pancakes from scratch... up all night just to make you this AM extravaganza. Honestly my son would really love it and tell me I'm the best because he's just got it like that. My mind is racing a mile a minute, there are so many things I could do... organized projects that were unheard of before now seem utterly necessary to proceed with life. (and by mentioning "utterly" I am subconsciously going to back to the serious consideration of buying the cow again) RACING! My brother mike rolls over from sleeping on the couch around 4 am to find me all Agent Piss'ant from Corkey Ramano "QUESTION?.....YES? ... NO?..... DID U HAVE A QUESTION?... I SHOULD BUY A BOAT." He just looks at me and rolls back over asking if I'm OK, knowing full well that I am. "Yes I'm just cracked out on steroids... I'm going to make a pie. Dead serious the hand made butter dough is chilling in the fridge. and I've pitted and cut 2 lbs. of fresh cherries. I am not joking. I guess its just the most organized and efficient I've ever been in my life. I would wish that everyone in some way, shape, or form, would be so lucky as to get a wake up call, not in the Cancer manner, just to re appreciate that a home-made pie can show so much love. "We must never forget that we may also find meaning in life even when confronted with a tragic situation, when facing a fate that can not be changed. For what then matters is to bear witness to the uniquely human potential at it's best, which is to transform a personal tragedy into a triumph, to turn one's predicament into a human achievement" - a quote from 'A Man's Search for Meaning' (inspiration shared by Charisse <3)
Saturday, June 16, 2012
THE SH*T IS BANANA'S
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kgjkth6BRRY
Yesterday I had to get a "bone marrow extract" taken from my back. The so called simple procedure included me laying on my side while they give me 3 local anesthetic needles in between the dimples in my back to numb the pain and then one long needle that goes into my bone to then extract the marrow. You can't move for the chance of paralysis... The Dr. says yes the needles are uncomfortable but it is actually "pain membrane" inside the marrow that will be excruciating pain for 15 - 20 seconds. SWEET. Now of course they don't put you to sleep for this... you are just expected to lay there and not move while they chisel a needle in my spine. Growing up my Dad raised us on the sheer thought that ADD and Depression don't exist.. "Heather kids get hyper and people get sad sometimes".. hahaha old school. Now growing up sharing relationships with the variety of friends and people I know myself that as many people take advantage of the "happy pill" extravaganza there is a good percentage of people who clearly have a chemical imbalance. My mind becomes swamped with the thought of Cancer, a mix between sad, anxious, the tests, the appointments, the procedures, just overwhelmed. My Dr. says it is totally normal to have a sort of "mood stabilizer" for my emotional battle with Cancer. The first thought that comes to mind is that I will be just like Dr. Leon Marvin from "What About Bob" (just the 1 of the all time greatest movies) at the end when Bob is marrying his sister Lily and he comes out of the wheel chair coma to try to stop the wedding.Lets get real here though... if I'm gonna be laying on my back dead still with a needle I am fully going to allow myself to take a nightcap. Because truly our focus determines how we face the victories and defeats in our life. All I had to remember was this was going to be 15 minutes of my life and then it would be over. I can do 15 minutes. So I took the tiny pill.... felt like David after the Dentist.... and counted 11 M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I and randomly kept remembering to stay still thinking of Forrest Gump saying "but Lieutenant Dan you ain't got no legs!". Dr. Tubb (who my son insists on calling Dr. Bath haha) was smooth, efficient and quick. When he said it was done I said FANTASTIC! The Dr., nurse, and my Mom ( who was hiding in the corner because she didn't want to see the blood ....totally fine by me) said that no one had ever said that that procedure was "FANTASTIC" and that he was going to put that in his records as a first. I sailed out of there like Marty McFly on a hover board, with one less big procedure under my belt. When we strive for excellence and give our best effort, losing hurts, but it doesn't have to harm us. The key is where we set our minds and hearts." -David McCasland ..... Because really I AIN'T NO HOLLERBACK GIRL!
Yesterday I had to get a "bone marrow extract" taken from my back. The so called simple procedure included me laying on my side while they give me 3 local anesthetic needles in between the dimples in my back to numb the pain and then one long needle that goes into my bone to then extract the marrow. You can't move for the chance of paralysis... The Dr. says yes the needles are uncomfortable but it is actually "pain membrane" inside the marrow that will be excruciating pain for 15 - 20 seconds. SWEET. Now of course they don't put you to sleep for this... you are just expected to lay there and not move while they chisel a needle in my spine. Growing up my Dad raised us on the sheer thought that ADD and Depression don't exist.. "Heather kids get hyper and people get sad sometimes".. hahaha old school. Now growing up sharing relationships with the variety of friends and people I know myself that as many people take advantage of the "happy pill" extravaganza there is a good percentage of people who clearly have a chemical imbalance. My mind becomes swamped with the thought of Cancer, a mix between sad, anxious, the tests, the appointments, the procedures, just overwhelmed. My Dr. says it is totally normal to have a sort of "mood stabilizer" for my emotional battle with Cancer. The first thought that comes to mind is that I will be just like Dr. Leon Marvin from "What About Bob" (just the 1 of the all time greatest movies) at the end when Bob is marrying his sister Lily and he comes out of the wheel chair coma to try to stop the wedding.Lets get real here though... if I'm gonna be laying on my back dead still with a needle I am fully going to allow myself to take a nightcap. Because truly our focus determines how we face the victories and defeats in our life. All I had to remember was this was going to be 15 minutes of my life and then it would be over. I can do 15 minutes. So I took the tiny pill.... felt like David after the Dentist.... and counted 11 M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I and randomly kept remembering to stay still thinking of Forrest Gump saying "but Lieutenant Dan you ain't got no legs!". Dr. Tubb (who my son insists on calling Dr. Bath haha) was smooth, efficient and quick. When he said it was done I said FANTASTIC! The Dr., nurse, and my Mom ( who was hiding in the corner because she didn't want to see the blood ....totally fine by me) said that no one had ever said that that procedure was "FANTASTIC" and that he was going to put that in his records as a first. I sailed out of there like Marty McFly on a hover board, with one less big procedure under my belt. When we strive for excellence and give our best effort, losing hurts, but it doesn't have to harm us. The key is where we set our minds and hearts." -David McCasland ..... Because really I AIN'T NO HOLLERBACK GIRL!
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Betwixting the "Glory of Love"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E1vk1aGHsT8&NR=1&feature=endscreen
Sleep is one thing that doesn't come easy right now. I'm exhausted to the point of delirium yet just can not shut my eyes completely like eyes wide shut or something. My dreams are intensely vivid... with people coming out of the woodwork to visit me for some unknown reason. They say or do things that are strange and mundane to outright outrageous. I wake up talking to them still because I feel they are still there. Its crazy....even twisted. Its only in my head. on the other hand I'm still waiting for certain company to trickle into my sub conscience dreams with some empowering message of how to brush this all off with a smile. Don't worry I wont hold my breath, because that is not the way the world works. This journey is going to force me to straddle the fence of insanity. Beaches was one of my favorite movies of all time since I was little... Oh Bette Midler. My granny always said she was FABULOUS! I could quote the movie word for word. As I find myself these past two days contesting myself between submerged emotions I try to revert back to simplicity of these lyrics of life. Because in the end aren't we all betwixt in the glory of love? HIT IT TOOTS!
Sleep is one thing that doesn't come easy right now. I'm exhausted to the point of delirium yet just can not shut my eyes completely like eyes wide shut or something. My dreams are intensely vivid... with people coming out of the woodwork to visit me for some unknown reason. They say or do things that are strange and mundane to outright outrageous. I wake up talking to them still because I feel they are still there. Its crazy....even twisted. Its only in my head. on the other hand I'm still waiting for certain company to trickle into my sub conscience dreams with some empowering message of how to brush this all off with a smile. Don't worry I wont hold my breath, because that is not the way the world works. This journey is going to force me to straddle the fence of insanity. Beaches was one of my favorite movies of all time since I was little... Oh Bette Midler. My granny always said she was FABULOUS! I could quote the movie word for word. As I find myself these past two days contesting myself between submerged emotions I try to revert back to simplicity of these lyrics of life. Because in the end aren't we all betwixt in the glory of love? HIT IT TOOTS!
Monday, June 11, 2012
Ode to Red Bull & Cherry Jack
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EA48IL6bQQU&feature=related
Are you there Heather? We just don't know what to do with ourselves. It's us... your old pals.. BFF's ... companions.. stress relievers... relaxant... your partners in crime... your best audience... the ones that laugh at all your jokes... the ones that dry your tears when you cry... back you up in a fight... make everything you stand for justified... We thought we had a special kind of relationship. Where did you go? You just walked out of our lives. The workers at the store called us they were a tad worried when no one had bought any Cherry Jack Rum. Your liver wrote a letter to Congress stating we need to set out a Cherry Alert... Red Zone with sobriety. Red Bull is trying to get a new negative zero calorie drink going because they are panicked about the lack of sales since you went under the radar. Oh... Cancer. well hey... that explains it. Take your time.... get better. We understand and know that if and when you are ever ready again... we are here.. not knowing what to do with ourselves. Newport called we have a date tomorrow night for happy hour to discuss the heavy recent events. If you think we are bad.... u should hear the Newports. Absolutely distraught because they know that unlike us , they will never share your company again. So listen take care of yourself we will be here if the time comes again. Until then... we will never never forget the wild and crazy nights that we had... along with anyone else I'm sure! XoXo - Red Bull & Cherry Jack
Are you there Heather? We just don't know what to do with ourselves. It's us... your old pals.. BFF's ... companions.. stress relievers... relaxant... your partners in crime... your best audience... the ones that laugh at all your jokes... the ones that dry your tears when you cry... back you up in a fight... make everything you stand for justified... We thought we had a special kind of relationship. Where did you go? You just walked out of our lives. The workers at the store called us they were a tad worried when no one had bought any Cherry Jack Rum. Your liver wrote a letter to Congress stating we need to set out a Cherry Alert... Red Zone with sobriety. Red Bull is trying to get a new negative zero calorie drink going because they are panicked about the lack of sales since you went under the radar. Oh... Cancer. well hey... that explains it. Take your time.... get better. We understand and know that if and when you are ever ready again... we are here.. not knowing what to do with ourselves. Newport called we have a date tomorrow night for happy hour to discuss the heavy recent events. If you think we are bad.... u should hear the Newports. Absolutely distraught because they know that unlike us , they will never share your company again. So listen take care of yourself we will be here if the time comes again. Until then... we will never never forget the wild and crazy nights that we had... along with anyone else I'm sure! XoXo - Red Bull & Cherry Jack
Sunday, June 10, 2012
The Snozberries do not taste like Snozberries..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1M0eMkcc91E
No need to get the BBQ all fired up, Burger King called for my "radiation" throat to personally flame broil each burger. This bites...It feels like acid reflux, and the texture of my tongue is is comparable to clapping used chalk erasers out in the middle of the Sahara desert. Gross. Tomorrow will be my 8th radiation treatment leaving me with the realization that this will only get worse. I brush my teeth and spit black feeling oddly similar to Natalie Portman in her psychotic distorted breakdown which ends "Black Swan". Texture is different as well, I swear every single carbonated drink is either flat or the fountain is broke. But it's just me... me and the radiation. Google only furthered my fear with saying some people lose their ability to taste, or the function to swallow. But someone once said that attitude is the difference between an obstacle and an adventure! And although my mouth and throat are lacking.. I've dropped that stinking ten pounds Ive been struggling with for months, and the few items I've ever bought that were a SMALL are now sashaying their way to the front of my closet.... and is that a delicate bone frame at my collarbone? all these things have to keep me up when I'm down. Simple laughter and optimism have to become my new BFF's. My best efforts for this blog is to bring you my ups and downs of this because lets get real its not always rainbows and butterflies, its compromise that moves us along (thanks Adam Levine) wow I'm getting cheesy with the quotes to night but to tie it together which we all know is my greatest challenge ...always.... Willy Wonka says exactly how I'm feeling in this clip... We are the music makers,And we are the dreamers of dreams,Wandering by lone sea-breakers,And sitting by desolate streams;" Because really seriously though... Who ever heard of a Snozberry?
No need to get the BBQ all fired up, Burger King called for my "radiation" throat to personally flame broil each burger. This bites...It feels like acid reflux, and the texture of my tongue is is comparable to clapping used chalk erasers out in the middle of the Sahara desert. Gross. Tomorrow will be my 8th radiation treatment leaving me with the realization that this will only get worse. I brush my teeth and spit black feeling oddly similar to Natalie Portman in her psychotic distorted breakdown which ends "Black Swan". Texture is different as well, I swear every single carbonated drink is either flat or the fountain is broke. But it's just me... me and the radiation. Google only furthered my fear with saying some people lose their ability to taste, or the function to swallow. But someone once said that attitude is the difference between an obstacle and an adventure! And although my mouth and throat are lacking.. I've dropped that stinking ten pounds Ive been struggling with for months, and the few items I've ever bought that were a SMALL are now sashaying their way to the front of my closet.... and is that a delicate bone frame at my collarbone? all these things have to keep me up when I'm down. Simple laughter and optimism have to become my new BFF's. My best efforts for this blog is to bring you my ups and downs of this because lets get real its not always rainbows and butterflies, its compromise that moves us along (thanks Adam Levine) wow I'm getting cheesy with the quotes to night but to tie it together which we all know is my greatest challenge ...always.... Willy Wonka says exactly how I'm feeling in this clip... We are the music makers,And we are the dreamers of dreams,Wandering by lone sea-breakers,And sitting by desolate streams;" Because really seriously though... Who ever heard of a Snozberry?
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Foreshadowing
The Beginning …
If you know me you would know that my life is one run-on sentence, a shit show of my extreme self diagnosed ADD of stories within stories. Through out this blog I will try my hardest to finish each tale but most likely end up frustrating you with humorous build-ups and no endings, but all the while hopefully keeping you entertained. My name is Heather Maloney, I'm 27 years old, and 7 days ago I was diagnosed with stage 4 Hodgkin's Lymphoma. FML. I'm starting this blog because I need an outlet to talk.. or type .. I need to laugh and cry and scream on a screen where I can review my battle before, during, and after cancer. Also maybe it will help the people that are close at heart yet not in distance to feel that they know the inner workings of what my crazy ass is thinking. "although we can not change the direction of the wind... we can adjust our sails"
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