http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z3QMwkSUlEg&feature=related
This commercial will be me in 2 weeks, I just can not wait !!!! It reminds me of the song "FATTY GIRL FATTY GIRL FATTY GIRL ~ WHO ME? YES! Ok so here we are again... 4 AM and I. Tonight or should I say this morning toss and turn about a variety of things, all so important that I must get up and research these necessities. First off is the Christmas Tree Shop, I need a lamp for Christopher and a he would like a new nightlight. Have you ever been to the Christmas tree Shop? Similar to Walmart, or Target you (as my friend Nicole says) go in for toothpaste and come out with a cart worth of stuff you "need", spending at least $100. The Christmas tree shop is such a hidden gem of crap.... if you have never been I don't know whether I suggest it or not because it could be your new addiction. This medicine has me all Jackie N. in "The Shining, HEEEEEERRRREEE'SSS JOOOOHHHHNNNNYYY" again. so expect this blog to be jumpy. My throat is absolutely killing me... nothing soothes it. But my radiation is finished! FINISHED!!!!!! Yesterday was my last day, 20 sessions down. The nurses says my throat should subside in about 2 weeks, so On the positive side I am on the downhill side of that battle! I have to press forward with the pain. I guess I used to be such a wimp with pain and I will say that experiencing this I have a new high tolerance for pain. I have come to the realization that I just have to get it done, the needles, the procedures, the chemo, etc. It is what it is. Also I guess I have been in pain so long, and not knowing what was was wrong, I'm ecstatic to know and deal with what this is, to have a timeline. To know that in a year, I'll be ok. I will have faced my battle with a full heart. Now moving on to return address labels.. zazzle.com, thanks mom! Steroids + an already indecisive ADD personality + a billion choices = me being occupied until I have to take Christopher to camp at 9 AM. I also am going to look up beds I think. If anyone has any good suggestions like tempur pedic or something, it's just something I have no idea about, and I am totally open to suggestions. See the steroids can give you bad joint pain apparently, my knees feel like a 90 year old women. It is worst in the morning and at night. I may have to shanagle my brother to a room switch because his is downstairs and I may not be able to do the steps the further this goes. He will do it... I'll set everything up real nice. And by that I mean I will bring the "Organizational Queen" , aka my cousin Charlene over, and she will change lives with her cleaning! She is the best with that stuff! It is such a toss up because I'm tired, I have a sleeping pill, but I am battling taking it. I feel that it makes my knees hurt worse. It's just the ultimate toss up, because I'm exhausted. I will end on this simple quote. "Success isn't a result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire." - Arnold H. Glasow. Have a great day, I'll be here all week!
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Beautiful People
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dhChl6tCYFg&feature=results_main&playnext=1&list=PL94C21369DC4DE0F3
Pressure... pressure can be a funny thing. As of tomorrow aka at 7:20 am Monday morning I was supposed to be in the hospital for the "minor, we do this everyday" surgery for my Port Placement. A port placement is when they would be putting a tiny ( size and width of the top of my thumb) port into my chest with a long thin plastic tube that connects to one of my arteries, up around through my neck, it comes back around down to the center of the port and to grandmother's house we go. The worst and last time I'll have to get put under, sliced and diced for now! It is good though because the purpose of it is to save my veins, so that after I get this in, every time I go for chemo they can do all my meds, take blood, or give me antibiotics through this port. For me it is just going to be weird because I will know it is there, for me its the thought it. The absolute knowledge that something is there. "Will I see it? Will I be able to feel it? Do they prick through my skin every time? Can my body reject it?" Soooooo many questions! However I never got the confirmation call and there were strict instructions on what to do before the surgery starts. So now I am not going. I will be going to my 18th radiation tomorrow.. done on Wednesday... Finally! I can wait to have my mouth back.... this battery acid lemon juice taste on the constant really is not working for me, TART doesn't come close to describing. Its just tongue thrust central... I gross myself out do not worry. I wanted to get the port placement over with but now I will wait. Pressure. I just want to get it done. But all In good time, I'm dozing and I'm gonna try to drift off at the thought of Allen from the hangover, back when I was a fan of the man that didn't know that facial hair would change his career. SNAP IF YOUR WITH ME! This clip is from when Zach G. had his own late night talk show. before he starred in Hangover. When we start with the mistaken belief that it is an easy life that will make us truly happy, we become weary trying to live out our faulty belief. A contented person has learned to accept the bitter with the sweet. Let me end in what recently became one of my favorite quotes, "The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation,a sensitivity, and understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."- Elizabeth Kubler Ros (thanks Judy!)
Pressure... pressure can be a funny thing. As of tomorrow aka at 7:20 am Monday morning I was supposed to be in the hospital for the "minor, we do this everyday" surgery for my Port Placement. A port placement is when they would be putting a tiny ( size and width of the top of my thumb) port into my chest with a long thin plastic tube that connects to one of my arteries, up around through my neck, it comes back around down to the center of the port and to grandmother's house we go. The worst and last time I'll have to get put under, sliced and diced for now! It is good though because the purpose of it is to save my veins, so that after I get this in, every time I go for chemo they can do all my meds, take blood, or give me antibiotics through this port. For me it is just going to be weird because I will know it is there, for me its the thought it. The absolute knowledge that something is there. "Will I see it? Will I be able to feel it? Do they prick through my skin every time? Can my body reject it?" Soooooo many questions! However I never got the confirmation call and there were strict instructions on what to do before the surgery starts. So now I am not going. I will be going to my 18th radiation tomorrow.. done on Wednesday... Finally! I can wait to have my mouth back.... this battery acid lemon juice taste on the constant really is not working for me, TART doesn't come close to describing. Its just tongue thrust central... I gross myself out do not worry. I wanted to get the port placement over with but now I will wait. Pressure. I just want to get it done. But all In good time, I'm dozing and I'm gonna try to drift off at the thought of Allen from the hangover, back when I was a fan of the man that didn't know that facial hair would change his career. SNAP IF YOUR WITH ME! This clip is from when Zach G. had his own late night talk show. before he starred in Hangover. When we start with the mistaken belief that it is an easy life that will make us truly happy, we become weary trying to live out our faulty belief. A contented person has learned to accept the bitter with the sweet. Let me end in what recently became one of my favorite quotes, "The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation,a sensitivity, and understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."- Elizabeth Kubler Ros (thanks Judy!)
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Maps ... and Circulate!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wR9GiA7Hg_A
And it's 3 AM .... I'm awake ... I have a cup full of honey nut cheerios and when I just went to the bathroom real quick before I sit down to write I realize that my sweat pants are inside out. In the mirror my pupils are dancing a Jack Nicholson Irish jig like,"Heeeeeerrrrrreeee'sss Jooooohhhnnnyyyyy!" Sweet Look. Thanks Steroids. My mom, son and brother are fast asleep, not to be weird but I hope they are enjoying their slumber, with my schizophrenic personality we all know know they need their rest! They are so good with me, unconditional patience, Saints. Really I get overwhelmed by the amount of sheer and absolute volume of phenomenal variety of support. Mind Blowing. (Speaking of blowing ...should I refill the Cheerios's? No... last blog... sharting.... fiber overload not necessary.. TMI? well I'm writing it sorry) Any way Lets talk about the video clip.... I am now going to take any youngsters back to a place in time where us kids from the 90's lived. Not the stone age.. the 90's. I recently posted this on my face book as a shared tag and thought it was great, " I was born in the 80's... grew up in the 90's... We are the last generation that learned to play in the street, we were the first to play video games, the last to record songs off the radio on cassettes or music videos on VHS. We are the pioneers of Walkmans and chat rooms. We learned how to program the VCR before anyone else. We played with Atari, Genesis, and Super Nintendo.We believed the Internet would be a free world. We are the generation of the Thunder Cats, Transformers, Ninja Turtles, Family Matters, T.G.I.F., The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air, and Martin. We traveled in cars without seat belts and air bags. We lived without cell phones. We didn't have 99+ television stations, flat screens, surround sound, MP3's, Ipods, Face book, or Twitter. But never the less we had a great time!" I thought that was so on point! Does any one out there remember before MTV or VH1 had mad music videos, there was a channel... I want to say #57... THE BOX? I wish I could see the light bulbs of people that remember this right now. It was the first TV jukebox I guess. You could literally call in after going through a list of songs, charging a small fortune of $1.99 on your parents credit card to some 3rd world country's automated computer. Then you wait... but with no you tube or Internet I mean what else did we have to do? You would hate the generic teenie boppers that would put on Baby One More Time like 8000 times, and I would secretly love it at the same time. Personally I would love the random weird stuff... the videos where others might have been like what country bumkin from Idaho put this on, yet inside it spoke to my soul. This song at the beginning of my blog, that's the first time I ever saw this video, on the box, thanks Idaho! To this day the song moves me with it's simplistic talent. its raw. During this whole adventure of Cancer, I cant stop resurfacing this song in my brain. It reminds me of so many things in my recent experiences, but mostly the sheer and absolute volume of phenomenal variety of support. I couldn't relate more to this song, or the lyrics. Hold that thought ..Let me grab the mint choco chip cream ice from Rita's... my throat is raging. And I'm back beginning to feel like a big girl because I def just left a spoon in the quart for later, good looks on my part for convenience, bad looks for my round pudgy face. I'm over it though.. the dog has retreated to sleep with my brother because I smell. She's looking at me like it's ok though. In the beginning I blamed her.. the dog.. but then she was outside for a while and I just had to fess up, she forgave me. Sad yes but whatever more room for me! My brother just rolled over and saw me for the 6th night cracked out on steroids he opens his eyes then shuts them... it must be awful to wake up to my stench of stale. ( Secretly, and so unlady like I'm laughing because from a big sister to a little brother a fart is always funny) "Do you want a fan?" I ask. Because now I feel bad, its not nice to torture your little brother with Poots while he's sleeping. "That would be nice," he simply says, rolling over as if he could care less either way. He truly doesn't care. He loves me. So let me wrap this up somehow by saying this. Sharts stink... so get a fan right? A quote from a friend says this..." Even though this is hard, even though I don't understand it, even though its not fair, I'll keep a good attitude and stay full of joy, knowing that this is not setting me back. It is setting me up for something better, to bring me through to the other side of this in an even better position." I'm simply Circulating.
And it's 3 AM .... I'm awake ... I have a cup full of honey nut cheerios and when I just went to the bathroom real quick before I sit down to write I realize that my sweat pants are inside out. In the mirror my pupils are dancing a Jack Nicholson Irish jig like,"Heeeeeerrrrrreeee'sss Jooooohhhnnnyyyyy!" Sweet Look. Thanks Steroids. My mom, son and brother are fast asleep, not to be weird but I hope they are enjoying their slumber, with my schizophrenic personality we all know know they need their rest! They are so good with me, unconditional patience, Saints. Really I get overwhelmed by the amount of sheer and absolute volume of phenomenal variety of support. Mind Blowing. (Speaking of blowing ...should I refill the Cheerios's? No... last blog... sharting.... fiber overload not necessary.. TMI? well I'm writing it sorry) Any way Lets talk about the video clip.... I am now going to take any youngsters back to a place in time where us kids from the 90's lived. Not the stone age.. the 90's. I recently posted this on my face book as a shared tag and thought it was great, " I was born in the 80's... grew up in the 90's... We are the last generation that learned to play in the street, we were the first to play video games, the last to record songs off the radio on cassettes or music videos on VHS. We are the pioneers of Walkmans and chat rooms. We learned how to program the VCR before anyone else. We played with Atari, Genesis, and Super Nintendo.We believed the Internet would be a free world. We are the generation of the Thunder Cats, Transformers, Ninja Turtles, Family Matters, T.G.I.F., The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air, and Martin. We traveled in cars without seat belts and air bags. We lived without cell phones. We didn't have 99+ television stations, flat screens, surround sound, MP3's, Ipods, Face book, or Twitter. But never the less we had a great time!" I thought that was so on point! Does any one out there remember before MTV or VH1 had mad music videos, there was a channel... I want to say #57... THE BOX? I wish I could see the light bulbs of people that remember this right now. It was the first TV jukebox I guess. You could literally call in after going through a list of songs, charging a small fortune of $1.99 on your parents credit card to some 3rd world country's automated computer. Then you wait... but with no you tube or Internet I mean what else did we have to do? You would hate the generic teenie boppers that would put on Baby One More Time like 8000 times, and I would secretly love it at the same time. Personally I would love the random weird stuff... the videos where others might have been like what country bumkin from Idaho put this on, yet inside it spoke to my soul. This song at the beginning of my blog, that's the first time I ever saw this video, on the box, thanks Idaho! To this day the song moves me with it's simplistic talent. its raw. During this whole adventure of Cancer, I cant stop resurfacing this song in my brain. It reminds me of so many things in my recent experiences, but mostly the sheer and absolute volume of phenomenal variety of support. I couldn't relate more to this song, or the lyrics. Hold that thought ..Let me grab the mint choco chip cream ice from Rita's... my throat is raging. And I'm back beginning to feel like a big girl because I def just left a spoon in the quart for later, good looks on my part for convenience, bad looks for my round pudgy face. I'm over it though.. the dog has retreated to sleep with my brother because I smell. She's looking at me like it's ok though. In the beginning I blamed her.. the dog.. but then she was outside for a while and I just had to fess up, she forgave me. Sad yes but whatever more room for me! My brother just rolled over and saw me for the 6th night cracked out on steroids he opens his eyes then shuts them... it must be awful to wake up to my stench of stale. ( Secretly, and so unlady like I'm laughing because from a big sister to a little brother a fart is always funny) "Do you want a fan?" I ask. Because now I feel bad, its not nice to torture your little brother with Poots while he's sleeping. "That would be nice," he simply says, rolling over as if he could care less either way. He truly doesn't care. He loves me. So let me wrap this up somehow by saying this. Sharts stink... so get a fan right? A quote from a friend says this..." Even though this is hard, even though I don't understand it, even though its not fair, I'll keep a good attitude and stay full of joy, knowing that this is not setting me back. It is setting me up for something better, to bring me through to the other side of this in an even better position." I'm simply Circulating.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Don't Hassel Me I'm Local...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KvVKFCP5cCA
This is just a snippet, a sheer every pun intended mouth wet of a taste of what my steroid mood swings are like... God bless every one's soul who is with in a mile radius of me. My mom calls me "2 bite Heather" because for two bites its amazing... but as for after that I remember that the snoozeberries just aren't going to taste like snoozeberries no matter how great it is. I have never been a picky eater, I'll try anything once, now I LOVE IT!!!!!!! I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!! (soft voice) I'm sorry.... It's Crazy. "Fay I see salt and pepper... is there a salt substitute?" I am staying at a steady losing one or two lbs., but don't worry the doctor says," The steroids are making your face round, common effect." He says this with a smug smile because for him this means the medicine is doing it's job! My vision gets blurred and I slip into some twisted delusion of my Dr. as Cher and I as Rocky Dennis from the movie Mask. With my red hair, prickly heat rash, rounder than the sun face saying "These things are good.. ice cream cake, a ride on a Harley, seeing monkeys in the trees, the rain on my tongue, and the sun shining on my face. These things are a drag dust in my hair, holes in my shoes, no money in my pocket, and the sun shining on my face." If you've never seen the movie...watch it, CLASSIC BAY CITY. My fingers wont stop typing so I am forced to move on to yet another inception of stories with in stories... steroids.I am snapped back to the meeting with the doctor when he says , " Are you losing control of your bladder or bowels yet?" I'm sorry... WHAT?..... No.... Should I be expecting that? He informs me that with all the combined treatment it may be inevitable. ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS! So with a yeast infection in my throat.. and my own SNL commercial of "Oops I Crapped My Pants" I am seriously just running over Justin Timberlake with my Cancer Mack Truck and single handed bringing sexy back my self. In my home ... I would like you to call me Dr. Leo Marvin.
This is just a snippet, a sheer every pun intended mouth wet of a taste of what my steroid mood swings are like... God bless every one's soul who is with in a mile radius of me. My mom calls me "2 bite Heather" because for two bites its amazing... but as for after that I remember that the snoozeberries just aren't going to taste like snoozeberries no matter how great it is. I have never been a picky eater, I'll try anything once, now I LOVE IT!!!!!!! I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!! (soft voice) I'm sorry.... It's Crazy. "Fay I see salt and pepper... is there a salt substitute?" I am staying at a steady losing one or two lbs., but don't worry the doctor says," The steroids are making your face round, common effect." He says this with a smug smile because for him this means the medicine is doing it's job! My vision gets blurred and I slip into some twisted delusion of my Dr. as Cher and I as Rocky Dennis from the movie Mask. With my red hair, prickly heat rash, rounder than the sun face saying "These things are good.. ice cream cake, a ride on a Harley, seeing monkeys in the trees, the rain on my tongue, and the sun shining on my face. These things are a drag dust in my hair, holes in my shoes, no money in my pocket, and the sun shining on my face." If you've never seen the movie...watch it, CLASSIC BAY CITY. My fingers wont stop typing so I am forced to move on to yet another inception of stories with in stories... steroids.I am snapped back to the meeting with the doctor when he says , " Are you losing control of your bladder or bowels yet?" I'm sorry... WHAT?..... No.... Should I be expecting that? He informs me that with all the combined treatment it may be inevitable. ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS! So with a yeast infection in my throat.. and my own SNL commercial of "Oops I Crapped My Pants" I am seriously just running over Justin Timberlake with my Cancer Mack Truck and single handed bringing sexy back my self. In my home ... I would like you to call me Dr. Leo Marvin.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
You Should See The Toast.....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IquI7dwCj6s
Get the snow shovel out...Steroids are like crack. This is what I feel my son comes down to for the everyday breakfast post- Cancer. Every balloon ribbon has been curled individually with scissors, did someone say streamers? what color? what time does the dollar store open? I should invest in a cow so I can just start churning my own butter and milk. I made those pancakes from scratch... up all night just to make you this AM extravaganza. Honestly my son would really love it and tell me I'm the best because he's just got it like that. My mind is racing a mile a minute, there are so many things I could do... organized projects that were unheard of before now seem utterly necessary to proceed with life. (and by mentioning "utterly" I am subconsciously going to back to the serious consideration of buying the cow again) RACING! My brother mike rolls over from sleeping on the couch around 4 am to find me all Agent Piss'ant from Corkey Ramano "QUESTION?.....YES? ... NO?..... DID U HAVE A QUESTION?... I SHOULD BUY A BOAT." He just looks at me and rolls back over asking if I'm OK, knowing full well that I am. "Yes I'm just cracked out on steroids... I'm going to make a pie. Dead serious the hand made butter dough is chilling in the fridge. and I've pitted and cut 2 lbs. of fresh cherries. I am not joking. I guess its just the most organized and efficient I've ever been in my life. I would wish that everyone in some way, shape, or form, would be so lucky as to get a wake up call, not in the Cancer manner, just to re appreciate that a home-made pie can show so much love. "We must never forget that we may also find meaning in life even when confronted with a tragic situation, when facing a fate that can not be changed. For what then matters is to bear witness to the uniquely human potential at it's best, which is to transform a personal tragedy into a triumph, to turn one's predicament into a human achievement" - a quote from 'A Man's Search for Meaning' (inspiration shared by Charisse <3)
Get the snow shovel out...Steroids are like crack. This is what I feel my son comes down to for the everyday breakfast post- Cancer. Every balloon ribbon has been curled individually with scissors, did someone say streamers? what color? what time does the dollar store open? I should invest in a cow so I can just start churning my own butter and milk. I made those pancakes from scratch... up all night just to make you this AM extravaganza. Honestly my son would really love it and tell me I'm the best because he's just got it like that. My mind is racing a mile a minute, there are so many things I could do... organized projects that were unheard of before now seem utterly necessary to proceed with life. (and by mentioning "utterly" I am subconsciously going to back to the serious consideration of buying the cow again) RACING! My brother mike rolls over from sleeping on the couch around 4 am to find me all Agent Piss'ant from Corkey Ramano "QUESTION?.....YES? ... NO?..... DID U HAVE A QUESTION?... I SHOULD BUY A BOAT." He just looks at me and rolls back over asking if I'm OK, knowing full well that I am. "Yes I'm just cracked out on steroids... I'm going to make a pie. Dead serious the hand made butter dough is chilling in the fridge. and I've pitted and cut 2 lbs. of fresh cherries. I am not joking. I guess its just the most organized and efficient I've ever been in my life. I would wish that everyone in some way, shape, or form, would be so lucky as to get a wake up call, not in the Cancer manner, just to re appreciate that a home-made pie can show so much love. "We must never forget that we may also find meaning in life even when confronted with a tragic situation, when facing a fate that can not be changed. For what then matters is to bear witness to the uniquely human potential at it's best, which is to transform a personal tragedy into a triumph, to turn one's predicament into a human achievement" - a quote from 'A Man's Search for Meaning' (inspiration shared by Charisse <3)
Saturday, June 16, 2012
THE SH*T IS BANANA'S
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kgjkth6BRRY
Yesterday I had to get a "bone marrow extract" taken from my back. The so called simple procedure included me laying on my side while they give me 3 local anesthetic needles in between the dimples in my back to numb the pain and then one long needle that goes into my bone to then extract the marrow. You can't move for the chance of paralysis... The Dr. says yes the needles are uncomfortable but it is actually "pain membrane" inside the marrow that will be excruciating pain for 15 - 20 seconds. SWEET. Now of course they don't put you to sleep for this... you are just expected to lay there and not move while they chisel a needle in my spine. Growing up my Dad raised us on the sheer thought that ADD and Depression don't exist.. "Heather kids get hyper and people get sad sometimes".. hahaha old school. Now growing up sharing relationships with the variety of friends and people I know myself that as many people take advantage of the "happy pill" extravaganza there is a good percentage of people who clearly have a chemical imbalance. My mind becomes swamped with the thought of Cancer, a mix between sad, anxious, the tests, the appointments, the procedures, just overwhelmed. My Dr. says it is totally normal to have a sort of "mood stabilizer" for my emotional battle with Cancer. The first thought that comes to mind is that I will be just like Dr. Leon Marvin from "What About Bob" (just the 1 of the all time greatest movies) at the end when Bob is marrying his sister Lily and he comes out of the wheel chair coma to try to stop the wedding.Lets get real here though... if I'm gonna be laying on my back dead still with a needle I am fully going to allow myself to take a nightcap. Because truly our focus determines how we face the victories and defeats in our life. All I had to remember was this was going to be 15 minutes of my life and then it would be over. I can do 15 minutes. So I took the tiny pill.... felt like David after the Dentist.... and counted 11 M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I and randomly kept remembering to stay still thinking of Forrest Gump saying "but Lieutenant Dan you ain't got no legs!". Dr. Tubb (who my son insists on calling Dr. Bath haha) was smooth, efficient and quick. When he said it was done I said FANTASTIC! The Dr., nurse, and my Mom ( who was hiding in the corner because she didn't want to see the blood ....totally fine by me) said that no one had ever said that that procedure was "FANTASTIC" and that he was going to put that in his records as a first. I sailed out of there like Marty McFly on a hover board, with one less big procedure under my belt. When we strive for excellence and give our best effort, losing hurts, but it doesn't have to harm us. The key is where we set our minds and hearts." -David McCasland ..... Because really I AIN'T NO HOLLERBACK GIRL!
Yesterday I had to get a "bone marrow extract" taken from my back. The so called simple procedure included me laying on my side while they give me 3 local anesthetic needles in between the dimples in my back to numb the pain and then one long needle that goes into my bone to then extract the marrow. You can't move for the chance of paralysis... The Dr. says yes the needles are uncomfortable but it is actually "pain membrane" inside the marrow that will be excruciating pain for 15 - 20 seconds. SWEET. Now of course they don't put you to sleep for this... you are just expected to lay there and not move while they chisel a needle in my spine. Growing up my Dad raised us on the sheer thought that ADD and Depression don't exist.. "Heather kids get hyper and people get sad sometimes".. hahaha old school. Now growing up sharing relationships with the variety of friends and people I know myself that as many people take advantage of the "happy pill" extravaganza there is a good percentage of people who clearly have a chemical imbalance. My mind becomes swamped with the thought of Cancer, a mix between sad, anxious, the tests, the appointments, the procedures, just overwhelmed. My Dr. says it is totally normal to have a sort of "mood stabilizer" for my emotional battle with Cancer. The first thought that comes to mind is that I will be just like Dr. Leon Marvin from "What About Bob" (just the 1 of the all time greatest movies) at the end when Bob is marrying his sister Lily and he comes out of the wheel chair coma to try to stop the wedding.Lets get real here though... if I'm gonna be laying on my back dead still with a needle I am fully going to allow myself to take a nightcap. Because truly our focus determines how we face the victories and defeats in our life. All I had to remember was this was going to be 15 minutes of my life and then it would be over. I can do 15 minutes. So I took the tiny pill.... felt like David after the Dentist.... and counted 11 M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I and randomly kept remembering to stay still thinking of Forrest Gump saying "but Lieutenant Dan you ain't got no legs!". Dr. Tubb (who my son insists on calling Dr. Bath haha) was smooth, efficient and quick. When he said it was done I said FANTASTIC! The Dr., nurse, and my Mom ( who was hiding in the corner because she didn't want to see the blood ....totally fine by me) said that no one had ever said that that procedure was "FANTASTIC" and that he was going to put that in his records as a first. I sailed out of there like Marty McFly on a hover board, with one less big procedure under my belt. When we strive for excellence and give our best effort, losing hurts, but it doesn't have to harm us. The key is where we set our minds and hearts." -David McCasland ..... Because really I AIN'T NO HOLLERBACK GIRL!
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Betwixting the "Glory of Love"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E1vk1aGHsT8&NR=1&feature=endscreen
Sleep is one thing that doesn't come easy right now. I'm exhausted to the point of delirium yet just can not shut my eyes completely like eyes wide shut or something. My dreams are intensely vivid... with people coming out of the woodwork to visit me for some unknown reason. They say or do things that are strange and mundane to outright outrageous. I wake up talking to them still because I feel they are still there. Its crazy....even twisted. Its only in my head. on the other hand I'm still waiting for certain company to trickle into my sub conscience dreams with some empowering message of how to brush this all off with a smile. Don't worry I wont hold my breath, because that is not the way the world works. This journey is going to force me to straddle the fence of insanity. Beaches was one of my favorite movies of all time since I was little... Oh Bette Midler. My granny always said she was FABULOUS! I could quote the movie word for word. As I find myself these past two days contesting myself between submerged emotions I try to revert back to simplicity of these lyrics of life. Because in the end aren't we all betwixt in the glory of love? HIT IT TOOTS!
Sleep is one thing that doesn't come easy right now. I'm exhausted to the point of delirium yet just can not shut my eyes completely like eyes wide shut or something. My dreams are intensely vivid... with people coming out of the woodwork to visit me for some unknown reason. They say or do things that are strange and mundane to outright outrageous. I wake up talking to them still because I feel they are still there. Its crazy....even twisted. Its only in my head. on the other hand I'm still waiting for certain company to trickle into my sub conscience dreams with some empowering message of how to brush this all off with a smile. Don't worry I wont hold my breath, because that is not the way the world works. This journey is going to force me to straddle the fence of insanity. Beaches was one of my favorite movies of all time since I was little... Oh Bette Midler. My granny always said she was FABULOUS! I could quote the movie word for word. As I find myself these past two days contesting myself between submerged emotions I try to revert back to simplicity of these lyrics of life. Because in the end aren't we all betwixt in the glory of love? HIT IT TOOTS!
Monday, June 11, 2012
Ode to Red Bull & Cherry Jack
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EA48IL6bQQU&feature=related
Are you there Heather? We just don't know what to do with ourselves. It's us... your old pals.. BFF's ... companions.. stress relievers... relaxant... your partners in crime... your best audience... the ones that laugh at all your jokes... the ones that dry your tears when you cry... back you up in a fight... make everything you stand for justified... We thought we had a special kind of relationship. Where did you go? You just walked out of our lives. The workers at the store called us they were a tad worried when no one had bought any Cherry Jack Rum. Your liver wrote a letter to Congress stating we need to set out a Cherry Alert... Red Zone with sobriety. Red Bull is trying to get a new negative zero calorie drink going because they are panicked about the lack of sales since you went under the radar. Oh... Cancer. well hey... that explains it. Take your time.... get better. We understand and know that if and when you are ever ready again... we are here.. not knowing what to do with ourselves. Newport called we have a date tomorrow night for happy hour to discuss the heavy recent events. If you think we are bad.... u should hear the Newports. Absolutely distraught because they know that unlike us , they will never share your company again. So listen take care of yourself we will be here if the time comes again. Until then... we will never never forget the wild and crazy nights that we had... along with anyone else I'm sure! XoXo - Red Bull & Cherry Jack
Are you there Heather? We just don't know what to do with ourselves. It's us... your old pals.. BFF's ... companions.. stress relievers... relaxant... your partners in crime... your best audience... the ones that laugh at all your jokes... the ones that dry your tears when you cry... back you up in a fight... make everything you stand for justified... We thought we had a special kind of relationship. Where did you go? You just walked out of our lives. The workers at the store called us they were a tad worried when no one had bought any Cherry Jack Rum. Your liver wrote a letter to Congress stating we need to set out a Cherry Alert... Red Zone with sobriety. Red Bull is trying to get a new negative zero calorie drink going because they are panicked about the lack of sales since you went under the radar. Oh... Cancer. well hey... that explains it. Take your time.... get better. We understand and know that if and when you are ever ready again... we are here.. not knowing what to do with ourselves. Newport called we have a date tomorrow night for happy hour to discuss the heavy recent events. If you think we are bad.... u should hear the Newports. Absolutely distraught because they know that unlike us , they will never share your company again. So listen take care of yourself we will be here if the time comes again. Until then... we will never never forget the wild and crazy nights that we had... along with anyone else I'm sure! XoXo - Red Bull & Cherry Jack
Sunday, June 10, 2012
The Snozberries do not taste like Snozberries..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1M0eMkcc91E
No need to get the BBQ all fired up, Burger King called for my "radiation" throat to personally flame broil each burger. This bites...It feels like acid reflux, and the texture of my tongue is is comparable to clapping used chalk erasers out in the middle of the Sahara desert. Gross. Tomorrow will be my 8th radiation treatment leaving me with the realization that this will only get worse. I brush my teeth and spit black feeling oddly similar to Natalie Portman in her psychotic distorted breakdown which ends "Black Swan". Texture is different as well, I swear every single carbonated drink is either flat or the fountain is broke. But it's just me... me and the radiation. Google only furthered my fear with saying some people lose their ability to taste, or the function to swallow. But someone once said that attitude is the difference between an obstacle and an adventure! And although my mouth and throat are lacking.. I've dropped that stinking ten pounds Ive been struggling with for months, and the few items I've ever bought that were a SMALL are now sashaying their way to the front of my closet.... and is that a delicate bone frame at my collarbone? all these things have to keep me up when I'm down. Simple laughter and optimism have to become my new BFF's. My best efforts for this blog is to bring you my ups and downs of this because lets get real its not always rainbows and butterflies, its compromise that moves us along (thanks Adam Levine) wow I'm getting cheesy with the quotes to night but to tie it together which we all know is my greatest challenge ...always.... Willy Wonka says exactly how I'm feeling in this clip... We are the music makers,And we are the dreamers of dreams,Wandering by lone sea-breakers,And sitting by desolate streams;" Because really seriously though... Who ever heard of a Snozberry?
No need to get the BBQ all fired up, Burger King called for my "radiation" throat to personally flame broil each burger. This bites...It feels like acid reflux, and the texture of my tongue is is comparable to clapping used chalk erasers out in the middle of the Sahara desert. Gross. Tomorrow will be my 8th radiation treatment leaving me with the realization that this will only get worse. I brush my teeth and spit black feeling oddly similar to Natalie Portman in her psychotic distorted breakdown which ends "Black Swan". Texture is different as well, I swear every single carbonated drink is either flat or the fountain is broke. But it's just me... me and the radiation. Google only furthered my fear with saying some people lose their ability to taste, or the function to swallow. But someone once said that attitude is the difference between an obstacle and an adventure! And although my mouth and throat are lacking.. I've dropped that stinking ten pounds Ive been struggling with for months, and the few items I've ever bought that were a SMALL are now sashaying their way to the front of my closet.... and is that a delicate bone frame at my collarbone? all these things have to keep me up when I'm down. Simple laughter and optimism have to become my new BFF's. My best efforts for this blog is to bring you my ups and downs of this because lets get real its not always rainbows and butterflies, its compromise that moves us along (thanks Adam Levine) wow I'm getting cheesy with the quotes to night but to tie it together which we all know is my greatest challenge ...always.... Willy Wonka says exactly how I'm feeling in this clip... We are the music makers,And we are the dreamers of dreams,Wandering by lone sea-breakers,And sitting by desolate streams;" Because really seriously though... Who ever heard of a Snozberry?
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Foreshadowing
The Beginning …
If you know me you would know that my life is one run-on sentence, a shit show of my extreme self diagnosed ADD of stories within stories. Through out this blog I will try my hardest to finish each tale but most likely end up frustrating you with humorous build-ups and no endings, but all the while hopefully keeping you entertained. My name is Heather Maloney, I'm 27 years old, and 7 days ago I was diagnosed with stage 4 Hodgkin's Lymphoma. FML. I'm starting this blog because I need an outlet to talk.. or type .. I need to laugh and cry and scream on a screen where I can review my battle before, during, and after cancer. Also maybe it will help the people that are close at heart yet not in distance to feel that they know the inner workings of what my crazy ass is thinking. "although we can not change the direction of the wind... we can adjust our sails"
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