PLEASE PLAY WHILE READING:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KIW_Ca8OWTo
Dear Cancer,
I'm waking up, I feel it in my bones. Enough to make my system blow. Oh how you have turned my world inside out and upside down. Although I have beat you, your physical scars are permanent, and you have messed me up mentally for what I hope will not be forever. There are pro's and con's for everything, and it is a constant battle to stay positive. Sometimes I get so angry, and it is hard for me to express this anger in the right direction. I feel I am mean and moody to the people that have been the closest to me during your stay. You have made me think of myself in two different aspects, before and after Cancer. The qualities of my being that I would like to get rid of and the many I am trying so hard to hold on to. Being back in the salon world has been therapeutic to say the least. I have always been a hard worker point blank, and I am not good at being the "stay at home sick girl". I need people in my life, the good, the bad, the funny, the mean, the crazies, and the down right out of their mind. People make my life more functional, tell me your problems and doubts because I'm sick of talking about mine. Asking me how I am feeling is the first thing people do, I know it's because they care but the spiel can get tired. Sometimes I feel I am trapped in some sort of weird purgatory, you have left my body yet I am still left with starting over at being who I am. It is an indescribable feeling. At work I watch people getting their color touched up, cut, and blown out in a variety of styles. Never have I ever been more jealous. Not to sound childish but I want I want I want so bad to have any of these services done to my head. Although I have reestablished my love for hair, it is bittersweet. When clients say " I love your hair" I am torn between saying thank you or telling them they can go to Franklin Mills Mall and buy the same look for $30. But in doing so I am then setting the stage to answer a plethora of questions as to why I have a wig on in the first place. Big girl status is where I am at with my body, just that moment where you are googling plastic surgery and liposuction. Yet everyone tells me I look great for what I have just been through. It's not that I have been a twig at any point in my life, but it would be nice to be skinny since I have no hair. A dear friend just sent me a quote that read, "She is a mess of gorgeous chaos, and you can see it in her eyes." Searching, I am searching and reaching to grab normalcy of any sort. It's still me inside, just not regulated. This blog is simply a vent session, there is no point. Just a little note to let Cancer know the effect it has had, and is still having on me. Just because I beat it doesn't mean this journey is over.
Sincerely yours,
A Mess Of Gorgeous Chaos
2 comments:
i love the way you word things, p.s that's my favorite song right now :) and if you really do wanna hear about other people's problems lets chat for a while lol you'll get your fill. p.s i miss you.
I am going to reqoute myself. "At least you still have your tits!" You could always do the mean girl bitch thing that the rest of us do- When you are stuck looking at someones hair and feeling jealous, simply look at her big nose, or fat arms, her tiny boobs, bad eyebrows..etc.. and remember that you have better lips, better boobs, a rock hard butt, and skinny legs. I remember you always made us touch your hard butt lol. You were always flexing it.
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